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I can’t help but just feel like my head is screaming always, like I’m lost in sea with my thoughts being the Ocean around me. I feel so alone yet I know I have my family around me for support. I feel like everything is to hard, that I’m not good enough that I’ll never be enough. I hate who I have become, i have turned away my friends and I have tried many times to push away my family because I feel like they don’t need to deal with me and my negativity. The hardest part is, everyone thinks I’m actually fine, they say I bring positivity wherever I go, that I’m always smiling, but I put on a mask, I’m not ok, nothing is wrong with my life currently, I have a stable job and good home, I’m 20 and loving my golden years, but I’m so alone, I stay home unless it’s going outside for walks or the shops, I don’t want to open up to new people because I trust to easily and get hurt for it. I feel like I’m lost and not sure where I need to go in life, I thought I was being controlled when I was a teen, but I see how they were just trying to help me. I left everything I knew to live “my” life. But I ended up ruining it instead. I want to be someone I would look up to, but I hate and judge myself more then any human could do. My biggest critic is myself and people have told me that before. I just want to make a difference and I’ve tried with helping where I can, but I feel so small and hopeless in this world. Everyone is always filled with so much hate, so I smile to try and make others feel better. It’s gotten so bad that I now just lay in bed, I’m late for work, I either eat way to much or nothing at all. I always feel worried that bad things are gonna happen and the smallest thing makes me want to break down. No one on the outside could ever tell I was struggling to keep my head above water.
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Replyfor some reason reading this i felt i was talking to my future self in a few years omg its scary.
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