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22. The age where it is supposed to be your life lesson. oh man is that true. Let me tell you.. I am only halfway into the year of being 22 and it felt like an entire lifetime. I am exhausted to be honest. I turned 22 last September and I was living life. In a good relationship who cared for me, in nursing school, moved out by myself and then December hit and everything went downhill from there. I was struggling through school, crying everyday. My perspectives about everything changed, my future, my morals, everything. I was a shy person who could not even talk to a single stranger without shaking and now, I am the complete opposite, but it took a lot to get here. My relationship with my ex was what I didn't want anymore, we wanted different things, our families did not really get along, and I noticed myself getting prickly over every little thing he did and it was not healthy for him nor myself. Therefore, I ended it. Besides the relationship, school made me super depressed. I think stressing over trying to make it through made me NOT make it through and I had failed out by 2%. The hard part was, no one believed I could do it. Especially my family. My mom's exact words were, "I knew you were going to fail out". Those words have stuck with me having my heart sunk. To this day, no one believes in me or knows what I went through but myself. That is why I am so harsh on myself and why I want to push myself doing things I would never do before and I am determined to get where I want to be, by myself. I am now out of school for the semester and working full time. But that's not it, I had gotten a DUI a couple of months ago by sleeping in the car, knowing I didn't want to drive. But, sometimes I think that is what I deserve by getting caught. I haven't drank like that since and I don't miss it. I didn't like drinking to begin with. I'm not making any excuses of course because it was wrong and it was my actions that led up to this event. It was a wake up call but same time, why me? I have never done anything wrong in my entire life, but I feel like I am drenched in bad luck that is never going to end. No matter how happy I can get, this feeling of never being good enough for myself just keeps coming up. I'm not happy with where my life is going, how I am acting, how I look, everything about me, I feel like it's not enough. I have been consistent with my schedule and going to the gym. I am starting to love my body but then I got sinus surgery and I can't go for 2 weeks. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal. Like, "oh it's only 2 weeks, you can go again after, it's fine". For me, it's more of, I've been so consistent and doing what makes me happy and now I can't do it for 2 weeks and it ruins my schedule. The schedule that I've been trying to keep to keep myself sane. No one understands how hard I've been trying to keep myself out of this depressed cycle. It feels like I have to fight myself to keep myself happy and it's so draining. I feel myself going back down and I am trying so hard to pick myself back up. I told my mom about it, and she told me I haven't changed and my sister told me I was being dramatic. With the surgery, I was supposed to be on bed rest for a week and today is the third day and I'm out because if I lay in that bed even for one more minute, I will go insane. But, I think I am pushing myself too hard and I have a gigantic migraine and I started to bleed out of no where. So... it's kinda a lose, lose situation for me isn't it. I have this amazing boyfriend who makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world, but this feeling makes me want to push him away because what if one day he wakes up and it's done. He says that's never going to happen, but bad luck tends to run my way. I don't want to burden anyone with my feelings and what I feel, I can deal with because I know how. But most of the time, I just want to let go. I want to know what it feels like to be free and to be genuinely happy with my life.
I have my TEAS exam tomorrow, Chicago this weekend, my court date next week, as well as my due date for my nursing application. A lot happening and I'm only halfway through 22. The other half is to be determined whether or not my life is going to turn around or I'm going to feel this way for a long time. We shall see I guess.
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