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Life is so stressful. I can't even explain it all because it won't make sense. Basically I can't stand people touching me. It makes me feel sick. I have a boyfriend and I know I hurt his feelings when I don't want him to touch me. Sometimes I tense up or subconsciously lean away and I feel so mean when that happens but I can't help it. Sometimes I'm fine with cuddling but it can still make my anxiety go through the roof. The other day we were cuddling (loosely if you can picture that) and I was okay but then he put his arm around me and it wasn't even a big deal but I couldn't stop my mind from racing or my stupid mislead emotions from fucking everything up.
When I get uncomfortable or anxious like that my breathing speeds up alot and it's like I'm hyperventilating. I feel like I'm having a panic attack sometimes and it's so pathetic. I HATE it. It's hell. All he did was put his arm around me, which wasn't even that much more than what he was doing already, and I had to freak out about it. Every time that happens I want to cry.
I got tensed up of course and it was very obvious so he took his arm off me and said sorry. I was too anxious to keep cuddling after that so I moved away a little and told him I needed a minute. I felt so bad. I just want to die. I hate disappointing people and I especially hate disappointing him because I like him so much. We just laid next to each other and talked a little. He was trying to make me feel better. He was definitely holding back tears. I could tell. I hope it wasn't just because of me.... He tries so hard to make me comfortable and he's so sweet. I don't know what's wrong with me. I want this to stop forever. Please please please
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I'm scared that ill lose everything I have, I'm scared of losing you, I'm scared I won't have a future, I'm scared ill always remain a disappointment and nothin...
I don't know why you have a bf with you being like this. Please go to a doctor and explain all of this to him/her and you should get a referral to someone who can help you.
ReplyI agree with the previous comment saying go and see a doctor - they can help you, or find someone else who can. I definitely do not agree with them implying that you shouldn't have a boyfriend. I'm really glad you have someone so sweet - he sounds lovely. Have you told him how you feel about it all? I think it's important that he knows it's not him, it's just a reaction you have that you wish you didn't. And he can support you in getting help for it
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