I keep acting like this wasn't my choice

But it was. I chose it as much as he did. Because of how he was acting. Yes, he hurt me. Yes, he disappeared without a trace. But then again...I guess so did I. For different reasons maybe but it amounts to the same.

It's sad that as adults we have to look at things with that realistic, grim eye and make choices that we don't actually want. None of this is what I actually want.

I want him. I wanted it all. I wanted the real, messy, ridiculous life with him. He just never showed me if he wanted it to. And I had to decide at some point that he didn't...or he would have made me feel it. So I had to walk away. Because I wasn't happy either way.

I'm not happy either way.