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I really struggle. I try not to overthink things when it comes to my relationship but it’s hard. I’m very much in love and he’s a great guy, but because of the men in my past relationships lying and cheating I can’t get that out of my head. I don’t trust myself anymore. And this time I think it’s even harder bc I’m actually in love. I realized that previously I was just going through the motions bc I thought that was what I needed to do.
Now I’m really in love and I’m so afraid I’m going to lose it. I think how can things possibly be this good? He has been spending every weekend with me and it’s been so great but instead of living in that greatness I’m just thinking this is too good to be true. He’s going to not want to see me the next weekend. We have a great sex life but I analyze every thing. Like all I can think of was though the sex was great this last weeekend it was slightly off from the week before so he must be grossed out by how fat I am and he’s going to get bored with me. Summer is coming and he’s going to want someone skinnier and younger. Why would he want to be with me? Both guys in my previous two serious relationships cheated on me so what makes this time different? Obviously there is something. How do I just live in the moment with this and enjoy it? He makes me so happy when we’re together and yet my mind can’t let me have that. And the moment I even sort of revel in it I think “oh no, you’re jinxing it. Now he’s going to you, blow you off.” I’m so sure that this weekend will be the weekend he tells me he’s too busy to see me and he’ll blow me off to be with someone else.
Younger, prettier girls are everywhere. We live an hour from each other and we don’t get to see each other but once a week. What if a girl closer to him swoops in?
What if he’s bored spending time with me? What if he’s grossed out and thinks sex with me is lame? Why was he a little different this weekend during sex? Why does some days he text a lot and others he texts barely at all?
I know this all seems trivial and stupid. I’m so confident in my work life and with my friendships and I’m happy with my life, but relationships I’m not confident in myself. I don’t see what he’s sees and so I’m afraid he’s just pitying. I realize I’m not giving him any credit he’s not that guy he’s so wonderful and he’s never said or done anything to make me think this way. I don’t burden him with this bc I don’t want to push him away or accuse him of things that are not true. I know my brain and I know it’s just always going to go there. My brain…I go to therapy, I practice positive thinking, take meds but I just feel like I have to get all of these negative thoughts out of my head. Getting them out in the moment…not holding them until therapy sessions when they’ve already passed or burdening my friends. That’s why I’m giving this a try. Saying it all out loud so it doesn’t live in my brain and take up space. I don’t expect answers I just need to get it out. My friends struggle listening to me bc they want to solve this or tell me I’m being irrational or ridiculous or crazy. I know what it sounds like and saying those things to me does not help. I know this…but the thoughts are there regardless. I’m afraid if I don’t think of all the bad things that could go wrong then that’s the moment they will and it will be the one thing I didn’t think of.
That’s it for now. I’ll be back.
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