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The past three major love situations have been kinda disastrous, but just for me personally, in the last nine months. All three of them were involved with someone else, and I didn’t know until the very end. The first lasted six months until I pressed him about if he had a girlfriend when he went to kiss me. I felt like something was wrong, and felt almost sick when he tried to kiss me. I had to force the answer out of him, and left when he told me the truth. The second is still a friend of mine, and it came to light that we did have a thing for each other, but the night I told him of my feelings, he told me that he got involved with someone else. I don’t regret telling him, but mutual friends who saw his side expressed regret that nothing happened between us sooner. The last one was a guy I talked to a lot for about two weeks before he told me he had someone in his home country the night before he was about to go back. He flirted with me very intensely and the way he acted gave me the impression he was inches from cheating on her, and it made me disgusted. I know the first and third men simply had the Audacity to try to cheat on their girlfriend with me, and the second just kinda sucks, but I feel like I’m doing something wrong. I try to force the question as early as I can, but I could probably do something better. Is it the men I’m choosing? It feels like a situation I’d see for the outside and say “obviously you’re doing this wrong”, it feels like I’m reaping consequences of decisions I’m making. Is it just that I’ve risked and have happened to lose? I don’t know. There’s been men between in between those guys, but the significance ones haven’t gone well. It just hurts a bit. I know I have a problem with vulnerability, but I do want to be treated well deep down, and try not to self sabotage.
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