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I'm very overwhelmed rn. I'm in a perpetual state of overwhelmed. I'm so sad and so uncomfortable and I can't mention it to anyone.
My mother is a condescending evangelist who thinks everything from my queerness to my probable autism to not wanting to go on walks with her is demons. My far more tolerable father is dead, as of last year, which forced me back into her orbit. My aunt who we live with is an also condescending controller prone to rants and bouts of ableism.
I don't like being alive. It's been stressful to me for as long as I can remember but I put in a good effort and even at my best I Hated It Here. And now I have little to no support and I am even less inclined to living.
I constantly say jokingly that I would not mind it if I was taken out by my mother, but the moment I get serious I'm told to stop. The moment I express my discomfort I'm silenced or given hollow words of comfort. Show dissent, get dismissed. I'm not close to any other family members.
Why can't I die? What right do people have to drag me here, force me to make my way, and stop me when I choose to leave?
According to my mother I was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck. I knew from early lol.
I don't even feel comfortable letting others touch me, which I /also/ get sht for, bc how dare I wish for boundaries.
I'm so tired I'm so tired. And there's nothing anyone can say to make it better. No way to improve this.
"it will get better" it's been almost two decades, I'm poor, I have little education, zero motivation, plenty anxiety, and can't stand too much stimulation. it has not gotten better. I am not better. I am seething.
"you're loved/you will be missed" I can't even say I'm queer lmao. The mother who "loves" me refuses to accept that I am not a Christian, and that I in fact disdain this religion. Refuses to accept that her "deliverance" was harm. I don't talk to anyone. I don't have anything to say to anyone. I can't say anything to anyone. My extended family barely knows me. This isn't disdain from me to them. It's from me to myself. I don't have a job. I don't have friends. I am perpetually online. I am a leftist in a country filled with virulent homophobia, evangelism, and toxic-masculinity. I have nothing to talk about. I'm scared of people and always have been. I can't talk to them.
"suicide is weakness" ok. my being has never been compatible with this plane so I guess I you could call that weakness. I brush against a wall that I question the cleanliness of and the craving for a shot to the head intensifies so I see why that's weak. yeah I'm weak. I'm weak and I want to GO. it's awful here.
Again, why can't I die? Why can't I? And it's not like I don't understand the legal complications of someone actually helping me lol. It's just that I don't have money for a gun, and if I somehow get a rope mfs will still try to stop me. Why? For their own conceited conscience.
I've tried and tried but stabbing or slashing oneself is not as easy as it looks. My mother also mocks me for all my failed attempts. "you've tried so many times don't you think atp that it's just not meant to be? god won't let it happen" I sure hope not, and fvck him and fvck you for saying that.
I can't even cry the way I constantly want to bc all that would earn me is prayers or rants. I can't even cry. I want to scream but I can't even cry. I want a hug but there's no one I want touching me.
I don't even know why I'm writing this bc most people think being alive is a good thing. I don't even know what anyone could reply to this with. I just want to say something, to someone. Even though it's pointless. No one can help me. I can't help me. I hate it here. I'm exhausted.
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Honestly, I feel you.Yes most people believe that being alive was a gift. To some people it is a gift. But to people like me and you, It's basically a gift with coal inside. It's like being at a special place but you don't get to do anything, or living in a mansion and people think you are so special but really you are the servant.
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