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I guess I thought writing this would be easier since I know exactly what emotions I'm feeling but now that I'm typing this it's harder to express myself. I feel alone on this earth. It's sad because most of the time I just want to end things and the only reason I don't is because I have hope that things will change. Nothing changes though and everytime I find myself in this dark place again it just makes it worse. How many times do I have to feel this way until I am better or worse? Why do I even have to go through all this mental and emotional pain? How bad or worthless of a person am I to constantly be feeling this down... I feel so worthless. I can literally scream out "help me! I am on the verge of killing myself" and it won't matter. I know it because I express those emotions already. I express I need help and love and it doesn't change anything. It's like the world does not care. I'm so tired that the tears won't even come anymore. I'm so tired that I don't have it in me to argue anymore. I'm drained of being tired. I'm drained of trying. Maybe it is time for me to give up the idea that anything will change in my life and not just the people around me but that I'm never changing, never feeling better. Me writing this isn't even close to how I feel or going through. I just for once want to be heard and appreciate it. I just want to be held and told that I matter and things will be alright. Even if my own actions aren't right, I want to be told how eventually I will be great and happy.
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I'm lonely too. I wish I could have conversations with people. But not just any person, a person that understands me, you know? Is it this type of loneliness you feel? Or is it that you feel isolated form everyone in the world? Maybe it's both. I truly don't think that I can find someone out there who I can have a nice conversation with for once. But maybe if I were to find someone to talk to like you, that'll make things seem a bit brighter. There's all kinds of people in this world. Different kinds. Everyone has a different mindset, I'm sure. You have to find someone great with an interesting mindset that can relate to you. That's not easy to find though. I lost hope of being happy some times too. It seems impossible. Some emotions aren't easy to describe, but they make you feel lonely. It's hard to believe people when they say things will get better. But who knows! Unexpected things can happen in our life's that we don't even know are coming our way. Maybe you'll find someone who won't make you feel lonely unexpectedly. I know it's much easier to give up on things, and so that's why most people tend to just get tired of everything easily. But you need some confidence in yourself! I learned that even though I'm lonely, I can still find ways to be happy. Doing anything that'll make me happy like drawing, singing, cooking, anything. You're not worthless either. If you tell yourself that, then of course you'll feel that way. But you can not allow yourself to have that kind of mindset. Don't think about the bad things about yourself. You can be whatever type of person you want and that's no problem at all. Everyone is important and if someone comes to discover that about you, that's even better. If I just sit here doubting myself, yeah things won't change at all. I've got to do something to make a difference in the negative emotions I feel. So you have to make yourself happy. You have to think about yourself first and put yourself ahead of everyone else. It's hard, but there's hope.
I'm sorry if I wrote too much, but I hope you're on your way to a good path. There's many many other lonely people in this world like you, and unfortunately we can't communicate with most of them sometimes. Good luck.
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