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Am I justified?
8 months ago · · Advice, · Explicit
I would like to preface this with I do feel justified in what I did and what I said but a lot of people are telling me I wasn't so I just need someone else to tell me I was. Or even to tell me I'm not if I actually wasn't.
I have spent the last 10 month living with an emotionally unstable, suicidal, manipulative, controlling, possessive, alcoholic sex pest (A). He drinks heavily and says it is so he can feel something other than the pain he is feeling about his life. That is fair enough. It's his choice if he wants to do that and there is nothing I can do to stop it. The problem arises when it impacts everyone else. Last semester, he drank heavily, got into an argument with a friend (B) and then called me in the middle of the night to blame it on me, tell me he loved me and that he was sorry for everything. He then hung up leaving me with no idea where he was or what he was going to do next. Me and a friend (T) then went looking for him for hours in the dangerous parts of town where he normally hangs out when upset. He did the same thing the other night and a different friend (C) of mine went out looking for him alone.
I decided the impact the alcoholism was having on others was unacceptable so I decided to speak to A. I approached him calmly and asked him to message us if he was going out only for a walk so we didn't have to be worried. He said he was too drunk to do that so I suggested that he could limit his drinking a bit more so he didn't get to that point and didn't worry everyone. He wasn't happy about that and just walked away.
I shared this conversation with T in confidence and he told me that I should never have gotten involved. His and B's approach is to do nothing and act as though nothing happened which I believe just enables his future behaviours. I tried to explain why I had to get involved but T cannot understand this from my perspective. He keeps telling me that that isn't the right way to help A but to be honest I can't help A anyway. The only people I can try to help are those A will negatively impact in the future. I am worried about A and want him to reduce his drinking for his own benefit but at this point I recognise there is nothing I can do about that.
T then stabbed me in the back sent the screenshots of that conversation to B and she is furious with me. She keeps telling me I was completely unjustified in getting involved and that A's drinking doesn't impact me (as though I hadn't just waited up for him to come home in the middle of the night because I was worried about him) and that no one else is "bothered by A" and his drinking. This is despite C running after him in the middle of the night and then asking me to try and limit A's drinking.
A is accusing me of being fake which is wrong. I have been amicable with him in the flat because I didn't want to cause tension but now everyone is blaming me entirely for the tension. When I would see A around the flat, I would exchange only a few words with him without looking up from what I was doing. Surely it isn't my fault if he mistook that for friendship.
While all this has been going on, A's sexual assaults of me have been dragged back up. I opened up about three of his assaults before Christmas (one where he tried to kiss me and I said no but he only stopped when someone else told him not to, one where I was lying on some chairs and he sat over me and started thrusting and had to be told by someone else to stop, one where he pinned me to his bed and licked my face to "claim" me) and B, T and another friend (L) all believed me then and backed me. Especially after they saw him assault another friend (N). They told me to talk to A about it and I did. I discussed the assaults and he apologised, said he didn't understand boundaries well and needed to be reminded of them now and again, and said he wouldn't do it again. At that point we still had 6 months to live together so I thought I would try to be friends with him again. I really did try.
However, after Christmas A did it again. He put his hand on my back and then slid it lower until his hand was on my ass. This really upset me because that is exactly what happened when I was 12 and I opened up to him about that more than I had any other person. I didn't tell anyone because people didn't treat me the same way after Christmas (I assume due to the accusations I made) and I felt ostracised. I didn't want that to happen again.
As a result of the conversation the other day, what happened after Christmas has been revealed. A is denying it ever happened and says that I never spoke to him about the sexual assaults. T doesn't know who to believe. B is calling me a liar. L won't even talk to me. The thing is it really did happen but they just won't believe me and they are siding with him. T will tell me with one breath that what A did before Christmas was unacceptable and with the next he justifies A's actions by pointing out that A has anxiety, depression, ADHD and autism. He says A's autism means he doesn't pick up on social cues and tones. I get that but when A pinned me to his bed, I scratched his face trying to get him off me. I don't know how that "no" can be misunderstood. All A said in response at the time was "I'm proud of you for getting your claws out".
Things have been really tense in the flat and I acknowledge and take responsibility for my part in that. Everyone is telling me I wasn't justified in approaching A about his drinking and have told me that I have blown everything out of proportion. I would argue the onus is on them, and especially A, equally with me if not more so.
I feel justified in what I did. C and I were both impacted by his drinking and running off the other night. I remember a time that B was crying on my shoulder after he drank and went M.I.A. because she was so terrified that she had killed him. B is telling me that I shouldn't have waited up for him but she has waited up for him before too. She is telling me he never asked me to worry about him so why should I but I know she worries about him too. I know my response to his drinking was fuelled by my fear of him over previous instances but I still don't think I overreacted. I only spoke to him calmly.
This is a really long post so thank you for reading all of it if you got to this point. It basically all boils down to me trying to defend my friends and the people A will encounter in the future. Am I justified in doing that?