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Everyone knows how the pandemic has really hit us hard. (unless you're a privileged fella then I guess good for you) For me though it meant celebrating the peak of my teens and maybe you could say coming of age in closed doors, with little to no friends around me. Yeah we do call and chat online but for 2 years I'm stuck here with family I am particularly okay with most of the time due to my great practice (I think) of hiding my childhood trauma. I was 17 when quarantine and lockdown started, I celebrated 18 with family yet it didn't really feel right. As I grew older I don't like celebrating birthdays and having my 18th birthday without friends sucked. Now I'm turning 20 in December and fuck I still feel like I'm 17. Or rather I am being treated like someone who's still 17.
Recently there was an event I wanted to go to, it was rare for me to go out because I was also afraid of catching COVID but this time I wanted to go. Though my mother didn't allow me to go because it was too far and a lot of people are there at the said event and it really pissed me off. My friends were going, especially my friend who rarely attends our get togethers because of her strict parents, and now I'm not going?? Yeah no one would pick me up and I'll be commuting to the unfamiliar place all alone but fuck why can others go but not me..? I have friends who went even tho they were also unfamiliar to the place and also commuted and they were also given permission to go.
Am I that stupid and untrustworthy to have myself go out? Maybe I am. Which goes back to the feeling that I still feel like 17 years old. I'm still an underaged kid who can't fucking explore. I might be overanalyzing or overthinking this lol. My parents don't really give high expectations to me, I do, I want to be this little miss perfect but fuck it I want to make mistakes and not be afraid of getting home and being blamed. This may be from childhood trauma of neglect too lol hahaha
Which is why the night before the said event I fucking bawled my eyes out. Once again I'm laying in bed trying to keep quiet as tears streamed down my face. Then at the day of the event as I was stuck at home, I thought I was already fine until I was alone in my bathroom just wanting to drown myself. It felt everything I hate about myself came. All the negative thoughts are back, wanting to just stop breathing, wondering if what people will remember me by if I suddenly disappear. Past issues came to my mind and just consumed me...
Soon it felt better, but the jealousy and numbness was still there. Tears were gone but the pain was still there. I feel so childish. I call myself and people agree that I'm like a wise person, having an old brain, yet I feel like a kid who was never given dessert. So where should I stand? Another day of losing myself and struggle to keep myself together again...
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