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With Love Comes Pain
4 months ago · · Stress,
Sometimes I feel absolutely everything, while feeling absolutely nothing simultaneously. I feel so incredibly empty at times. Itâ€™s like Iâ€™m standing at the bottom of a well looking up into this small sliver of light thatâ€™s left, feeling so trapped and dark inside. And it feels like no one and nothing will ever be able to free me from this feeling. Nothing will ever fill that void and that emptiness he imprinted on me.
Deep down I know he never loved me. I can be sad all I want but my heart tricked my brain into thinking it was real; except it wasnâ€™t real. I donâ€™t know what it was. I think because we spent so much time with one another I wanted to believe it was real. I wanted to believe he loved me because it had to be that way. Otherwise I wouldâ€™ve felt worse, knowing it was nothing.
The truth is, when I look at our pictures, I can see it in his face. I never made him happy. I never saw that light in his eyes for me, that pure love and joy. You know, the light you see in someone elseâ€™s eyes when they look at someone they truly love; someone they would do absolutely anything for. I only saw it for a few moments a handful of times over those eight years. And it faded, in a matter of seconds, as fast as it happened.
Itâ€™s funny how strong our minds are. How powerful they can be. How it can trick us into believing something we wholeheartedly crave to be true. Especially about someone we love.
I donâ€™t think Iâ€™ll ever love anyone as much as I love(d) him. I know people will say that it wasnâ€™t love. It was love though. And I loved him so hard. So hard that I did things I will always regret.
Except it was the love that was unkind at times; a love that was conditional at times. It was a love from a person who so desperately wanted this man to look at her, and look deep into her soul and love every ounce of her; everything that made her imperfect, and still find beauty in her. And when that didnâ€™t happen, my love became ugly, distorted, and jealous. I didnâ€™t even realize it was happening. It just did. And then it was too late.
I hope I never love someone as much as I love(d) him. Because that love was ugly, and I want and deserve unconditional, pure and reciprocated love.