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We could have been so good together but i fucked it up. what do i do?
1 year ago · 1 · Confused, +3 · Explicit
202
So this is gonna be a very long story but i just need to get it out of my chest somehow.
My Name is Francis, of course that's not my real name because that would defeat my anonymous purpose. but in this true story that is my name.
I moved from Chicago in Summer of 2021. I left the best friends i ever had in my life and had to start over in New York. when the summer was over, I started my Freshman year of high-school. in my third period class: drawing one, which is a class you get to choose if you want to do or not i met this girl that would control my emotions for the rest of the year. she was sitting next to me, and me wanting to make friends quickly asked her why she chose to be in this class. She told me how much she loved drawing and she showed me some of her art and i told her i liked drawing and showed her some of mine too. we instantly became friends. at the end of the period she ripped a part of her sketchbook and wrote her number in it with her name in the bottom "Jackie". i was beyond excited, i texted my friends back in Chicago how things were going and how i just got a girl's phone number and as soon as i came home i texted her. we texted when we were home and talked the period away in school. the more i spoke to her the more i realized how much we had in common, we both liked art, we both liked the same kind of music, we both had the same ethnicity; Mexican, and we both moved to New York over the summer. The texts we had turned into calls that we started in the afternoon and ended in the morning. i loved those calls she would tell me how her life was before she moved and i told her stories of what i used to do with my Chicago friends, and no matter how bad my jokes where she would always laugh at them, i miss that. one day i invited her to the downtown part of our neighborhood which had nice stores, a river and other things we could do, just us after school on a Friday. she immediately said yes and when the date came we walked downtown from school down to the river bed talking the whole way through. We walked around all the stores and restaurants when the heat finally got to us we decided to walk into a Barnes & Noble without the annoyance of the sun. to pass the time we decided to draw a comic book from a spare sketchbook she brought and listened to music from ear-pods we were sharing. she became my best friend that day, we would hangout downtown sometimes and when she told me she played Minecraft i instantly added her to the realm i played with my friends from Chicago. i introduced her to them and we played when we had the chance. it was also an opportunity for her to meet the friends i talked so much about. when me and her weren't calling i called my friends. they told me how when they were talking to her they felt like they were talking to a female version of me and how we should start dating. what i did next is something i regret. i'm not an ugly guy so when i moved and started getting many girl's phone numbers I became very confident and thought i could get whatever girl i wanted if i tried. something i found out later i could not. Jackie was good looking but just not my type, i thought i would be able to date a girl that was more attractive physically for me and me and Jackie could just stay friends. so i tried not to bring up dating with her because i thought i could date someone i found prettier and i also didn't want to risk harming the beautiful friendship we had together with a suggestion for dating. i feel like a villain typing this, now that i come back to what led up to me writing this story was not her fault but mine. we remained friends never bringing up a romantic relationship even though it was clear she liked me but i just pretended not to know. she invited me to dine with her and her parents at a Mexican restaurant. They were very nice to me and seemed to like me, they also dropped hints on me that she liked me. i was too stupid to notice them. a few days later she invited me to her house to watch Scott pilgrim, a movie i had not seen. She showed me around her house including her bedroom. i stupidly did not want to acknowledge the hints she was dropping. one day my school hosted a dance in the school courtyard. she invited me to go with her just us as friends so we decided to go together. that's when we met HIM. i arrived at the dance a little early and she said she would arrive late. so i went and socialized. i met this boy who came to the dance alone. let's call him Kalen. he is the opposite of me. He is Tall, i'm just 5'7, and muscular, i admit i'm a skinny kid who doesn't work out. we became friends pretty quickly. he asked me if i came to the dance alone too. i said no. i came with a female friend, he immediately got interested. we talked for a while and then she finally arrived. she had her hair made and was wearing a pretty red dress. i caught Kalen looking at her with the passion of a fat kid looking at a cake. i introduced him to her and we started an awkward conversation with him. we found out then that Kalen doesn't have the easiest life, he was abused as a child, given to CPS then given to a foster home that didn't give him the love and attention he needed. we both felt sorry for him, but i could tell she took it harder, she has a bigger heart than mine. after that we finally had fun and danced the rest of the event away. she was the first one to leave the event. when she did Kalen asked me if we were dating, i said no, then he asked me if i'm trying to date her. i wish i had a time machine to go slap myself and to respond with a yes. but instead i responded with no. he told me he really likes Jackie and asked me if he could date her, i gave him the go ahead. i set them both up and later he invited her downtown where he took her first kiss. i felt happy for them and Jackie and i stayed friends but stopped hanging out of respect for Kalen. later on, homecoming arrives and she invited me to go with her and Kalen. i go because i didn't have a date so we met up at homecoming. Kalen never showed up. so it ended up just being me and Jacklie again dancing to whatever song we could. turned out Kalen couldn't come to homecoming because he was in a mental hospital for trying to hurt himself. there he met another patient and had sex in the hospital without telling Jackie. when he came back he started pushing her to have sex with him manipulating her to feel bad whenever she said no. luckily she never gave in and broke up with him after two months. we both became distant in the later months. me because my failures in dating and me missing my friends. and her i assume for the manipulation she was getting from Kalen. the semester ended and we changed classes so i could no longer talk to her in school. months passed i improved my mood and made a new group of friends similar to the one i had in Chicago. everything was going great, then she texted me one day and asked me how i'm doing i told her what was going on and we got back to calling again for a few days. then she told me of an art club that she was in that met every Monday after school and told me i should join. i honestly don't care for art as much as i used to but it was an excuse to hang out with an old friend so i agreed and joined the art club. every Monday we would catch-up on what the other was doing and we grew closer. one day i invited her to eat downtown like we used to and she agreed to hang out after art club on Monday. it was winter so we walked through snow to a pizza place downtown. after we ate we got bored and went outside to find something to do. it was so cold that the river we used to walk past was frozen solid. we walked around a little she noticed i was a little depressed lately and asked what was the matter. i had just been rejected by a girl i really liked and thought that liked me back a little before that and that brought my confidence way down. i didn't want to say it at first because i have always been taught to suppress my feelings of sadness and to keep things to myself. so i just responded with "nothing i have just been tired lately" knowing me though she knew i was lying. so like always she tried to pry it out of me. i resisted until she hugged my arm and asked me again. my heart melted that moment but i still didn't want to give in. so i looked at the frozen river we always walked next to and jumped on it. i told her that if she followed me in i'd tell her what was on my mind. she called me a jerk and told me she wouldn't. i said ok and walked on the frozen lake admiring the snow covered park. i don't know why, either because she was frustrated i was going on without her or that she wanted to know what was wrong with me but she reluctantly followed me into the frozen lake held my arm with her right arm and lightly punched me with the other while jokingly whispering " i hate you, i hate you, i hate you" with a smile on her face. i doubt she knew but i had a huge smile on my face when she did that. i held up my part of the deal and we headed to a place to sit in where i could tell her about my problems. when we did she rested her head on my shoulder while i told her what was bringing me down. i felt like a failure just feeling bad about it let alone telling her but instead of telling me to suck it up she told me it's ok to feel that way and that if i ever feel like that again to tell her about it. i had never felt a connection like that with someone else. i never wanted that night to end, i wanted to stay there sitting down with her resting on my shoulder for ever. but that didn't happen because a few minutes later her mom called and picked her up. as time went by we got closer and closer i told her secrets about me i would never tell anyone else. secrets i hope she kept. a little bit later she invited me to the winter formal dance with her friends. i went. for me the party started off slow, she was busy with her other friend i didn't know so i went to meet up with some of my other friends. about half the night passed until i saw her again, i tried to get her into the mosh pit but she wouldn't budge and she tried to make me sing bohemian rhapsody in karaoke but i wouldn't budge. so i made a deal like always and told her that i would sing if she went to the mosh-pit with me. I sang the longest song i had ever sung in my life and after i brought her to the mosh pit where we danced for the rest of the night. when we got tired we went to sit down away from all the action, again she was resting her head on my shoulder and i felt the same feeling i had felt when we walked on the frozen lake. a few minutes later my parents came to pick me up because nothing good could ever last forever. for whatever reason we stopped talking again until about April where my birthday was. i planned to have a party with all of my friends on Friday and Saturday at my house. i invited her and she came to the Saturday party. i honestly didn't interact with her much because i was having fun with other friends so she just kinda sat there being the only girl at a guys party. Kalen went to the party too he saw her and got sad because he was still not over her breaking up with her. we had to comfort him for a while. the rest of the party went smoothly and at around 11pm everybody started leaving except a few friends. and her. i went up to my room to rest, she followed i dropped on my bed, she followed to, we started talking then she laid down next to me and started playing with my hair. then we held hands and cuddled for a while. i felt a joy i had never felt before so pure and beautiful. that day i fell for her. that day was the day i wanted to be with her, to hug her, to hold her hand, to kiss her. i have never seen her with the same eyes again. every time i see her i feel like she's the most beautiful girl i have ever laid eyes on. i wanted to stay in that bed with her forever. but like every other time we were interrupted by my friend wondering where i was, and a little bit later she got picked up by her parents. i wanted to do that again, being with her made me feel something I can't describe with words. and now that it's gone i feel a void inside of me that i cant fill with anything else. i quickly invited her to come over to my house after art club on Monday. she accepted and when the day came she hopped on my bus and went home with me. first we played a little bit of video-games then out of nowhere she held my hand while trying to play resident evil one handed. eventually she gives up and curls up beside me and rests her head on my chest. i suggested that we get off the couch and go to my bedroom instead. we both fall in my bed and start cuddling each other while holding hands. we talked about random things for a while then she brought up this girl i told her i had a crush on in one of my classes and if i have told her i like her yet. i told her i won't, and she asked me why. i think about my answer and say i have a bigger crush on someone else. she asks who. i pause, look her in the eye, on hand holding her hand, the other gently holding the side of her face. i use up all the courage i have to say one simple word. "you". she pauses, asks "me?". I confirm. she apologizes and says she doesn't like me and doesn't want to start anything with me. i was not expecting that answer. but i push all the bad thoughts deep inside of me and only show a frustrated exhale. she kisses my forehead to comfort me. i say i understand and kiss her back on the cheek. she kisses me again. so do i, then again and again, and just as i'm about to kiss her on the cheek again. she stops me and says. "why don't you kiss me on the lips?". i pause shocked by her response lean in and i kiss her on the lips. time stopped for a while, any worry i had was gone, all that mattered was her and only her. she kissed me back, we must have kissed one thousand times, yet every kiss felt like all the hugs in the world being given to you again and again and again. of course this didn't last. her mom called while we were kissing. she quickly stopped to answer the phone. i just sat there looking at her thinking she is the most beautiful thing on this planet even though her hair was covering her face. turns out her mom is outside waiting to pick her up. she leans in and says "one more" before kissing me on the lips one last time. i still don't want it to end so right as she goes for the handle i stop her, hold her and give her one last kiss before she goes. it was like magic. i fix her hair before she's gone so her mom doesn't think anything and let her go. and as she's going down the stairs she yells three words that won't leave my mind no matter how hard i try "I love you". i fear that word, it's a powerful word, one that i'm not ready for. my mind raced when she said that, i wanted to respond with something different but nothing felt right. unfortunately she left before i could say anything. maybe if i said i love you back things would be different now, maybe if i called to clear things out when she got home we would be together. once she left i felt like i was the king of the world. a feeling of pure happiness no drug can ever give you. i don't know why i didn't call her that night, maybe because i was too excited to think or maybe i believed if i called her too much she might feel overwhelmed. i regret not calling her, because the next day that feeling was almost gone for me and i think it was completely gone for her. because when i called her to ask what we where she said, "nothing, we're just friends," that caught me off guard. i asked about the kisses and how she told me she loved me. she told me that she realized that saying that was a mistake and just wants me to forget about everything that happened that day. that broke me inside. i asked why and she gave little explanation. she told me that she doesn't like me that way and doesn't want to start a relationship with me or with anyone. I told her she was lying about not liking me, and that i understand that she doesn't want to start a relationship but she shouldn't tell me that those kisses we gave each other and what we both felt then where meaning less. she said she used to like me before she met Kalen but after what she went through with him she doesn't like anybody romantically. i'm confused, why kiss me then? why would she, best friend lead me on like that? she told me to just forget everything that happened that day and she just wants us to be friends. at this point i'm in pieces. i don't know what's going on i don't know what to do from here. i want to respect her decision but i want to chase after her at the same time, she begs me to just be friends and forget all about that day and with a horrid feeling in my throat and stomach i agree. this has brought me to the lowest point i have bin in yet. i have no one to talk to about this, no one to cry to but her. but she is the last person i want to talk to about my feelings right now. i have tried to keep our friendship alive. first with the night call we used to have, but i'm the only one that talks now, i cant make her laugh anymore, she never keeps the conversation going, it feels like we have ran out of things to talk about. we no longer talk like friends. i have tried to hand out with her. bringing her downtown, but it's just awkward silence, and when her parents eventually pick her up i feel like i have failed, bringing me even lower. i no longer feel good around her. she is bringing out the worst in me. a few weeks ago she posted a snap with a guy who stole her phone as a joke and when I heard her say "i hate you" jokingly like she used to with me I became jealous. for the first time i wanted to rip that guy up for just being with her. my mind flooded with bad thoughts like, does she like him and not me? are they secretly dating? i'm so ashamed of it. i even know the guy, he's a good guy and out of nowhere i want to hurt him. WFT IS WRONG WITH ME?! when we talk it feels like we are being forced to talk. when she touches me instead of me feeling pleasure it feels like her hands are hot irons. i don't want to lose her but all she brings me is misery now. i invited her to my house last week. i asked if she wanted to hand out at my house on Monday and she said yes. i made a promise to myself that if we can't figure this shit out that day i would remove all contact with her. when the day comes last minute she decides she doesn't feel like coming and cancels on me. i felt horrible almost betrayed. i asked why but she would change her answer every time. i was so shook I couldn't talk to her the rest of the day because i feared i would break down and cry in front of her. yesterday she invited me to a party last minute. i wanted to refuse last minute out of pity but i didn't. when i went it turned out i was the only guy at her party. she didn't talk to me the whole night and i was afraid to approach her. i left the part feeling sad and defeated. i don't think our relationship can recover from this but I don't want to lose her. i'm gonna try to bring her to my house Monday so we can talk seriously but i'm scared if she's gonna cancel again and i'm scared because i don't know what to say. if you finished reading this thank you. you have no idea how much it would help to know that someone is listening. also sorry for bad grammar. please help me if you can
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She led you on and isn't worth bothering with romantically. Instead of inviting her to your place again walk away from her altogether and have no more to do with her. She is confused as to what she wants and being a teen her hormones are a lot to do with this. I suggest you wait until you leave school to seriously date someone because both yourself and the girl will be older and hopefully more mature and see relationships in a different light. It is a good idea to have a serious relationship when you are thinking of getting married, not while you are still in school. Very few people are married to their high school sweet hearts. You might connect with this same girl again and she might have changed but you can't bet on it. I am sorry this happened to you and I hope that in the future you find someone who is more steady with what and who they want and are old enough to not be picked up by their parents. Children are picked up by their parents. Young adults usually drive cars and even if they don't they make their own way home. I hope that you have learned something from this and I wish you all the best.
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