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yesterday, me and my bf were making out. we have had a very good day together, but I got irritated in the evening (I don't even know why tbh).it is always a question for me if I want to make out or not... I was not entirely sure this time and I feel like I need more play before we get to the thing. so, I feel like I got scared in the middle of the sex. but I did not tell him... and even managed to come. I get very stressed because of the war we are in (yes, I am from Ukraine), and sometimes, it is hard to cope with this stress...
we had an excellent dinner and all... and i love my bf very much. however, that evening I was not really in the mood for touching him, I guess. it is hard for me to bring my feelings together because I was aroused and wanted to play but at the same time I was scared and stressed and did not word it. I also felt he was doing it a bit... aggressively?
the thing is, I am into kinky stuff, and I get quite excited about slight abuse, it is very arousing for me to be slapped and punished a bit... still, I feel like he might have not been ready for sex that evening. I am not sure if I was ready myself.
This morning, I found a T-shirt that was a gift from his ex-gf. this pissed me off as hell. I understand my feelings but I also feel like I was way angrier than I should be, you know? I did not attack him, I asked him to put it away, expecting him to throw it out. he just put it deeper in the closet. I got very upset and broke into tears...
now, I feel like I hate him, and this is very confusing for me. I feel like he i just an object to my hate, not the real cause. and I don't want him to be that object. I want to be aware of my own feelings and understand them which I don't right now... quite honest, it is very weird to have this feeling...
I remind myself that I have my own feelings and he also has his world and his feelings, and he is a completely separate person although we are a couple. but right now I am really hurt. I hate this fucking t-shirt and I hate his fucking ex. i want to feel safe and stable in this relationship, and these little things make me feel a lot of fear. I feel like I should just get away from here and flee to another country.
maybe my emotions are more connected to the war than to my bf after all. the war makes me feel very angry. I hate people who came to my land to bring destruction and death. and i would like to fight them but I don't feel like I am contributing to this somehow. perhaps I should look for ways to deal with my anger. it is very hard to experience this every day. I do not blame myself for having anger issues but I would like to be free...
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