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I wish I wasn't so dumb, I wish I wasn't the type of person someone could manipulate and use so easily. I've lost so many friends in the past three months, my best friend of five years being one of them. Why did she cut me off? it's pretty funny, it all starts back in january, one of my ex friends bought cat paw box cutter for me and her other friend and at lunch a popular girl named kiana was playing with it and carving hearts into her arm, I self harmed then, and I had been clean for more than a week. When I saw that, it really triggered me and I actually relapsed. A few days later I wanted to open up about it to my friends who were friends with her. I talked about it and they got upset, and yes I did mention that it made me relapse but I guess they didn't really care. One of them told her, and she found out and she told all of her friends what I said and all of her friends ganged up on me, I was seen as a bad person. I was terrible, toxic, a bitch. It ruined me. I lost the person I loved the most. All of that, just because kiana made me relapse. I dont know what I did wrong, after that, I cut myself almost everyday for the next two months, I felt so hopeless and worthless and so depressed. The days felt longer and I just felt sadder, I had completely lost myself. It still hurts to see my ex best friend with her new bsf, how could she replace me so fast? was she not upset at all, about the memories we made in those 5 years? I always thought I was the issue, and I'll continue to think that no matter what. I mean, after a few months of starting high school, I noticed she had changed compared to the summer before. She seemed less interested and more distant. I would spam her and she wouldnt answer me for hours, she would always answer me before, i dont know why she changed. At school she would ignore my texts and would often ignore me in class, after class she didnt walk with me anymore and instead walked with this other girl, it hurt because she would always walk me, and she knows I hate being alone. what really made me realize she didnt want me anymore, was when we were in study hall together and her and her sister left without inviting me or asking me to go with them, so I tagged along without telling them and I found myself following them along with two girls who bullied me in middle school. it really changed the way I saw them, it was so strange too because they didn't like the girls. The other day I saw my ex bsf hug a girl who severely bullied me. how could she do that to me? I trusted her, I loved her so much, it felt like they were waiting for me to stop talking to them so they could do what they wanted. and trust me, I've never been like that once, im not toxic, i dont talk behind someones back unless they talk bad about me, I don't befriend people my friend doesn't like because it'll make them feel bad, but ever since I started high school, thats what everyones been doing to me. and it fucking hurts like a bitch, the amount of pain i felt every time I saw one of my friends hang out with people who bullied me, yeah they might be nice to you, but what they did to me, you can't even respect that?
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You can’t control other people and have them do just what you want them to.
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