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its come to this huh? 5 to midnight and I'm here, back here where i was during a particularly dark time of my not quite long life. im so full of emotions that i don't even know what I feel. my voice is wobbly, my ears are ringing, and it feels like they're burning. what the actual hell is wrong with me? can't i just realise that just because i feel *seen* by someone doesn't mean I like them romantically? and god it's the first time I've ever written or even said that out loud, even though it's been tormenting me for months. the storm calms at times though. I feel like I've finally made peace with that, with who i am to you. And then my heart goes and does it again. oh god this feels awfully like I'm in denial. I swear I'm not. I don't know what I want. Because a romantic relationship isn't it. i desparately do not want that to happen. I also hope you don't ever fall for me. not that there's a chance of that happening. And im being dramatic again. its so weird cause this time last year, i was just getting to know you, and even then it felt special. and i guess i know why, cause i barely have good friendships in my life. the person i call my best friend has much better people to call hers. and another one is just i don't know, just great for laughing and having fun a little, but for a meaningful friendship? i don't know.
its always been tough making friends. i feel like—im not interesting enough, they're all much better people, why would someone even care, what if i mess this conversation up, what do I even say—and on and on and on. mom says break out of my shell. like mom i want to, i want to do badly. and talking to you is always so easy. I hope I never fcuk that up. and i guess maybe what I want is to be better friends. i want to be one of those people you talk about things that happened. and one of those people who when you see something and go *oh that reminds me of them*
Id love to be one of those friends that are comfortable with each other. i also want to talk to you about whats happening in our lives, about the stars, about the book you read. And it means so much when we actually do talk about the stars, book you read, the series you wanted me to watch. to yell in our dms when something happens in that show.
what I want, it isn't a romantic relationship. its a platonic soulmate, and maybe i see that in you. and that's scary and i know i could get hurt. even more than it would if it was romantic. people say breaking up is the worst thing that could happen. but what about the closest friendships that just faded? im afraid of losing people, of losing my best friend of 8 years even though she likes her other friends way better, of losing my friend who i just talk to in the hallways but were still friends, and of losing you.
and i know this is the weirdest most insane thing that i could be doing about this. but now it's 26 minutes past midnight. and i feel lighter. i feel like I can breathe a little bit better and my ears stopped burning. and maybe it's too early to hope, but i think i can make peace with this hellstorm in my head. i think i might come back here, re read this again when I get a bit lost. and we'll count this letter as one addressed to the fireplace, and i hope we get closer in our friendship.
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I am really sorry that you are going through this, but I feel like the fact that you care of not losing your friends you are yourself a good friend. We are also in the same boat, I am 21 and I feel like I have no friends. Sometimes being around them makes me feel like I am an outcast but that is not something that affects me that much. I have grown to love my company, not because I do not value connections with people but because I feel like I try too much to get them and their attention and sometimes it's not even worth it. All I know is that we are enough whether with close friends or not and we have so much to live for!!!
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