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I often think about what it would be like to go back in time, before I met you.
My life was so easy back then. All my crushes and fantasies were athletes and celebrities that didn't know I existed. I had no chance with them, except in my mind. I lived a nice existence like this.
Sure, I had a small crush on you when I first met you. I loved to listen to your podcast. Your voice somehow soothed me, and your laugh was like music to my ears. Running into you in person was like seeing an old friend. I felt like I had known you my whole life, and I noticed we had so much in common. The look you gave me that very first time we met is forever seared in my brain. I remember being uncomfortable under your gaze and I had to look away. My husband was just talking your ear off, and you were just staring at me.
I forgot about all this in the year and a half that followed, and we continued to just be friendly on social media, running into each other here and there as we were neighbors and kind of ran in the same circle. You rarely crossed my mind without being prompted. My crush on you was definitely fading. You were just another guy.
You texted me for the first time in a long time - on Valentine's Day. Why did you choose that day? I definitely noticed, and filed it in the back of my head. I was out with my husband at the time. You were looking for a new place to go with your wife.
Then there was the weird message. Not from you, but from a random dude. He made small talk with me, we talked sports, and then he randomly brought your name up and asked me if I liked you. I told him yes, that I thought you were very funny and interactive and I was a fan of your work. His response was that he was just curious to see what people had to say about you. You DO tend to be pretty polarizing - people either love you or hate you.
I'm still trying to figure out what made you text me and invite me out for a beer after the game that night - the game that I went to with an old flame of yours, unbeknownst to me at the time. No wonder she made up an excuse why she couldn't come with me to meet up with you.
I never met you that night, and I really didn't give it much thought. But I woke up at 3am in a panic, feeling guilty that I blew you off. I really didn't think you'd miss me. So I checked my messages. You apologized for blowing ME off, so I felt much better. I messaged you back that morning and you answered immediately.
Our messages were usually dry and superficial, but not today. Today we talked about everything under the sun for hours on end. I remember you kept making me laugh. I'm pretty sure I made you laugh too. Were you flirting with me? I remember getting flirty vibes, but they were so subtle I questioned myself. I thought you were flirting with me, but I couldn't be sure.
Three days later, you invited me out for a beer again. I wasn't imagining things. You were definitely flirting with me. But I didn't meet you that night either.
You didn't let that stop you. You started messaging me more and more. We had another couple of all-day texting sessions, and finally it became obvious that you saw me as more than a friend.
I had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming. You were a pseudo celebrity with thousands of followers - why were you interested in ME?
I knew there was no way I could say no to you. Even when I laid in bed at night tossing and turning trying to decide whether I wanted to meet up with you or not, I knew there was no way I wouldn't do it.
It had been a very long time since I had sex that good - probably about 25 years. I enjoyed every minute of it and figured that would be it - we had a good time, and we would continue on with our lives like it never happened.
If only.
The sexual spark grew emotional. We couldn't go a day without speaking to each other. We saw each other a couple of more times, but our hot messages kept me going. The deep messages. And eventually, the mundane messages. Just telling each other about our day. Sending each other funny jokes. Talking about work, kids, spouses, and everything else under the sun. I knew your whole crazy work schedule. I knew all the vacations you were going on. You would tell me things happening behind the scenes in the sports world that wasn't common knowledge.
We had a few more steamy trysts right before the pandemic hit. I still remember us kissing in the rain in the parking lot the day before the world shut down. It's now one of my favorite memories. We definitely threw caution to the wind that night. Anyone could have seen us.
And then, the unthinkable happened and COVID came and turned everyone's life upside down.
Oh, sure, we still stayed in touch. We still had hot messages. But all that was ruined the night I drunk texted you.
Now, we only talk a couple of times a week and our conversations are back to being dry and superficial.
I miss our talks. I miss seeing you. I miss making love to you.
I hate that you're not mine.
I've been struggling with this so much. For all these years. I never in a million years thought I would ever care about someone enough to be unfaithful to my husband.
I never thought I would fall in love again.
We never got caught, and for that I'm thankful. Our lives would have been a disaster. But I'm still dealing with the fallout of our affair in other ways. My heart is shattered in a million pieces and will never be the same again. It's like a part of you is still stuck in me and I can't shake it loose.
I love you. I'll always love you. I'll always feel that stabbing pain when I see your name come across my phone. I don't know why you stopped chasing me, but I want you to know that you mean more to me than you'll ever know.
I don't know how to move on, but I have no choice.
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