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I've been thinking a lot today. I think a lot overall in general. I have this obsession where I overthink anything that comes up. I like to think of a lot of stuff, it keeps my brain exercised... but it also ruins me mentally. At some point, bad thoughts will creep in. Thoughts that are in regards to my loneliness, the way I've been living and why I never do anything. I've been listening to this track on YouTube called "Loneliness 1A" ,its been helping a bit with my situation. It's gonna help me write all of this.
For most of my life, I've been lonely / on my own. I never talk much in school / college unless I'm prompted to or really bored. Or if I'm on Ritalin, then I try to at least talk to the one person who I feel the most comfortable around, but that's about it. I'm a shut-in kid that tries to exactly oppose such a nature. I dwell on the internet yet I'd love to detach myself of it and live a healthy social life. But I just can't and I don't understand why. There's always this lurking anxiety that throws a barrage of worries at each and every single one of my thoughts. It always tries to shame me for something that I haven't even done yet. It is crippling. It has crippled me and my mental state for years.
I've been using Discord ever since it came out. its been a great help with not feeling lonely. Yet it destroys me aswell. It takes up too much of my attention, it is an addiction. Most, if not, all the time, I only respond to what others say on public servers. I hang out with a specific person once every second or third day. I've tried to build connections with different people on Discord over the years, yet they always falter. The burden of initiative always ends up on me and its tiring. It's so tiring, not having one person message you first or ask you to hang out with. I do have a person like that nowadays, but they're most oftenly busy. I can't blame them, everyone has their own matters to attend to. But god does it feel shit, to be reminded of the loneliness that lurks within myself.
Finals are coming up next week. I've been meaning to study for them a month ago, but all I've accomplished so far are summaries of some topics for my Psychology finals... and I have done nothing for my Math finals. I'm not worried about my German or English finals, I can breeze through them... but my lack of drive to study for Math or study more for Psychology is really killing me. I know that I HAVE to, but I just can't. I want to, but my body does not. I lack the drive to. The motivation is there. The spirit is willing yet the flesh is weak. It has to be a mental issue, I'm sure of that, but an appointment I booked for a talk with a Psychologist is only in 3 months. That's 1/4th of a year... I'm used to this state that I'm living in but it is so, so, so tiring. Oftenly, I feel like crying but can't. Oftenly, I feel like just laying in bed and doing nothing. I WANT to do something with my life, I WANT to make the most of it... but my body just won't. There's a crippling feeling that just prevents me from doing anything... I'm tired.
I don't know if what I've written above makes any coherent sense, its just me rambling about how I feel in regards to my current situation. I feel pity for myself. The logical side of my mind wants me to feel better, so does the emotional side, yet... I just can't. I don't get it.
I've decided to quit Discord for a week, since it has become an addiction of sorts. I hope it can help with me doing more stuff like reading, going out for walks, doing anything outside... or writing stuff like this. I've always had a general interest in writing, yet I never acted on it due to the aforementioned reasons that cripple me in every area.
All that I hope for right now is that I pass my finals. I've never studied extensively in my life and I somehow passed high school that way. And here I am, in college... its exhausting, tiring.
Thanks to whoever has read all of this. I've never vented to anyone about all of this. I hope there's something you can take away from this, something like how reading this stranger's experience with life can help you with thinking about yours, if you're happy with it. I wish I was. Please be happy about your own life.
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