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My stomach is in knots and my heart is beating a little faster. I feel lost and directionless.
Not in anticipation of what I was going to find on my Twitter feed today… but the complete absence of Twitter.
I made a (public) decision today to stay off the bird app for a bit. After the Uvalde shooting, the negativity became intolerable. I got sucked into the vortex in spite of my staunch “no politics” rule. So for my own mental health, I took a step back. But I wasn’t prepared for the way my psyche reacted.
I had known for a long time that I was a little too dependent on Twitter. The app has basically ruled my life for 5 years now. A lot of good and bad things have happened in my life as a result. I knew I had an addiction, but I wasn’t willing to try and break it. Until now.
And an addiction it is. Read the first line. Kinda gives you junkie vibes, huh? I know it does me. I absolutely feel like a junkie that’s being deprived of a fix.
And for what? Meaningless conversation with a bunch of random strangers? Dudes sliding into my DMs? Why is this so important in my life?
Then I think about the friends I’ve made, and the fact that I fell in love on Twitter.
Not all of those friends stuck around. I lost a few, and although it made me sad at first, I’m better off without them in hindsight. The ones that DID stick around… well, let’s just say they saved me and I couldn’t imagine my life without them.
But then there’s that one person. The one who basically shaped my existence on Twitter. The one I never thought I’d have to live without.
It’s really him I’m missing. Not the conversations with random people. Every day, I log on in the hope that he will message me, like the old days. Or even make jokes on my tweets, also like the old days.
But he’s nowhere to be found.
He has been like this for a while now. I noticed he was not on social media so much, and I was missing his presence. I try to post things that he will think is funny. It used to work. I’d always get a reaction out of him. Not so much lately.
I miss him. A lot.
Sometimes I start panicking, thinking I will never get over him.
Can one live in a perpetual state of longing?
How do I make this stop?
Will my Twitter fast help?
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John Coltrane kicked drugs and alcohol cold turkey by tying himself to his bed for ... a week? something like that. If I remember correctly, he had his wife bring him food. That got him through the worst of it, and it worked. He played sax before he kicked the addiction, and after.
That story came to mind while reading what you wrote. Maybe it's helpful? In any case, Coltrane's music is worth a listen.
I fell for a friend a few months ago. Then we stopped hanging out. The emotion has shifted, with time. Still there, in some way that seems more permanent than I would have imagined, but there's room now for a lot more, for someone else. And the feelings for my friend helped in some way to make that new space, as did the not hanging out for a while, much as I was sad about it.
Replyit's okay to move on if you need to. sometimes a break from the app, or at least avoiding all contact with them, can make you less attached to someone. if you want to move on, you CAN!
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