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Dear you,
It has been a while, does it?
No matter how I try to deny this, I know in my heart that this is not the truth. I miss you. Every fiber of my being. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of night and the urge to call you is so strong. It doesn’t hurt that much anymore now, I guess. Unlike before, when the cuts on my thighs were fresh; self inflicted pain to forget about my inner wound. For months after the break up, this has been my life. Don't you worry now, the cuts are all healed and I haven’t reached nor touched a blade. As much as I hate it, I made an unlikely friendship with that blade.
Many things have changed since we parted ways. Months after we broke up, my lovely aunt died and I have no shoulders to lean on. I feel abandoned. So from then, I am not echoing my ache to people anymore. I found some of them unreliable. There are little things that I’ve been hiding to myself. And as I conceal them, they are outgrowing me already. And I have to check myself everyday if these flaws slip from my clothes. I am always comfy when wearing shorts but I stopped using them for I got a big scar at the back of my right leg. I know that you are the only who would get past looking at it without giving a look of disgust.
But I am healed now.
I started to go out with friends, eat to my heart’s content and travel to places we wanted to go. Healing came to me adventure after adventure. And I can say that this is a good life. We’ve made life away from each other and we’re both happy now. I guess it’s a cliche, but it’s true that we made better strangers than lovers. Although the longing and what ifs are still there, we can't contact each other anymore. If you’re reading this, I want you to know that I have to distance myself from you not because I was bitter but because I had to. I don’t hate you love, I never will, but sometimes I wish that I did.
I know that you are happy wherever you are now. You are lucky that you still have someone writing for you! I have promised myself not to do this but I guess we never stop loving people, don't we? So I thought that letting you know how I feel once in a while won't hurt.
Plus, I don’t want you to think that I’m mad after the breakup because to tell you the truth, you gave me something no one ever gave me –Love. So instead of getting mad at you or the universe, I am grateful for you. I am grateful for you because you made me feel special and valued. I am grateful for you because you are the first one who broke my heart but it’s okay because my fragile heart is now stronger than before. Thank you, for choosing me. Thank you, for calling me first. Thank you because I don’t deserve this but still, you choose to love me.
I’m still breathing after all.
It has been months since I’ve written you a letter of some sort. The funny thing is, it just really happens. You wake up one day and you no longer feel it.
I wrote you this cause you are and always be my last lover. I never really got the chance to say it because during that time because I couldn’t bear the idea of us breaking up. It was hard for me to accept the fact that you left but it was my mistake. It took me weeks of crying at empty parks to finally realize the truth: I was consumed with the idea of love that it emptied me. I do not wish for you to go through the same misery as I have because I know you are not strong enough for this. I sometimes think of your whispers in my ears. The way you say them would be different from every other whisper that I heard. It would be something new to my ears because recalling the moments we had is always refreshing. Maybe, this is the only way to redeem myself. To lift my self-esteem and tidy myself even for a short time by remembering that I was once a blank slate that only knew different colors of life when you came.
Months have passed, and I feel like everything was just coined in a blink of an eye. I sometimes let my hands wander around my body to pacify this longing heart. But they can’t give warmth to their own sanctuary. The radiance you gave them is haunting. I hope you leaving me makes you feel happy and complete. I’m happy now to see you happy. I hope she makes you feel important to her life, and I hope she text you first in the morning just to tell you I love you like I always did. She's the most beautiful girl, she's sweet and I bet she's kind too. I know she loves you that much so please don't break her heart . I hope she’s the one for you. I hope she can love you the way I love you. I hope the best for the both of you.
I probably need a closure to answer these things I’ve been asking myself for months. I still wish you all the happiness in the world for you deserve them. And if God permits, I hope He’d unite all the roads for our paths to meet. I will be happy seeing you but I don’t know if I’m ready. One thing is for sure though — I won’t break my promise. I would still accompany you when we meet. No goodbyes right?
See you somewhere unexpected.
No longer yours,
NN.
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