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Today was the last day of my junior year of high school, and I'm pretty sure I have no friends.
It hasn't always been like this. After all, if it was, I don't think I would be in such a state of shock right now. I've always had a really tight-knit group of friends. I loved them so much. When I wasn't hanging out with them, I was talking about them, retelling stories for hours.
Then, junior year rolls around. There wasn't any sort of big fight; it was a slow development, like a tumor growing, and you don't notice it until it's too late. Worse, I know it's all my fault. Since I first started high school, I was determined to get into a good college. It sounds silly, but there was nothing more important in the eyes of 14-year-old me as a Harvard acceptance. And I was dedicated- so, incredibly dedicated. To the point of obsession. I accomplished all my goals: I was valedictorian, president of countless clubs, and scored in the 99th percentile for my SAT. Yet, I was losing myself. I couldn't remember how to talk to my friends, what to say, or how to react. All I could seem to talk about was academics. I could tell they were getting annoyed. I decided it'd be better to not talk as much, so I started reading books at lunch. I don't even like books that much. It was like I couldn't remember who I was, so I clumsily tried to remold myself into a neat, palpable "smart girl" caricature. Slowly, I felt a rift forming between us. Actually, a rift would place far too much significance on me. It was like I was on the very, crumbling edge of a cliff that was slowly eroding, and the whole situation is a big inconvenience for everyone else.
Being forgotten is a strange feeling. It's the feeling of subtle eye contact and inside jokes that you would've gotten in a different life. It's the feeling of plans being made without you, and "you could've gone if you wanted!" but you know you really couldn't. You watch them make new friends, shockingly quickly, and wonder if this could've happened to any other members of the group. I start to look at friend groups with almost a bitter envy. I can't help it. My mom keeps asking me why I'm not hanging out with my friends, and scolding me, assuming I'm staying home out of laziness.
I kind of assumed I was being dramatic about everything. I thought maybe, if I didn't think I was being pushed away, I wouldn't actually be. But as I'm writing this, they're all together. I feel like the most common response to this is to "just get rid of them!" or "they clearly weren't your real friends anyway", but I actually really liked these people. The moments we spent together, the laughs we shared were all real. And they're not bad people, either. I've become a shell of myself, and I really do drag down social situations. Without them, I don't have any friends. I can't believe I'm saying this. For the first time in my entire life, I don't think I have one single friend. I've accomplished all of my goals, and lost everything in the process.
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I wouldn't say to get rid of them or approach them and tell what you want to tell them.
High school was full of ups and downs especially with socialization and friends but, High school wasn't the end of making friends and you know they are the friends that you enjoyed to be together with and it was okay.
When I started elementary, I met my first set of friends. But, I messed it up one day and we knew we were friends but there is a rift that we can't fix and eventually we take different path.
In high school, I also belong to a small group of friends, and I only talk to them freely. But, at the end I also messed it up. I was a kind of person to speak my mind, they have ask me about frustration and the immature me I shared my frustration towards one of my friends and she learn about it. So, I came to her and I told her what I trully feel and I apologize. But, it was already a rift that I couldn't fix. Then a lot more happen ,but I continue to be her friend and trying to be a good friendto her once again. Then, one day I realized that she was already moving away from me making new friends with other kids. Taking a different path even though I showed her I was always her friend.
I was in my last year in high school, when I met my 2 friends that have stayed until now. And, it just happen. One of them is my classmate since elementary and we knew each other but I never hang out with her before, and the second one is a new one in our class. Just like magic we found ourselves comfortable and sharing our thoughts with each other, laughing and making pranks with each other.
I never get rid of those friends that took the different path and choose to leave me. I still say my hi/ hello ask them how are they doing and a casual conversation. I still treasure the days we spent together.
And, you can also meet a lot more people and one day you could meet people that would stay and will naturally bring out the real you. People that you could feel comfortable even with silence. And, take note your friend and you can also be so different to each other but still you were comfortable of being you not pretending to be someone else.
One of my friends are like you, she really loves to study and now she was taking law and sometimes she doesn't have time to hang out with us and we just don't care about it. We just support her whatever she was doing. There are also times that we didn't communicate for a month because of a busy schedule during college and when we started to work. But, we don't know why because when someone started to tell her story we just comfortably conversing again.
During college, I meet new people and become my friends, as well as in my workplace...
I can assure you that you can meet a lot more people. Maybe you can't meet the friends you will have not today but eventually I know that can meet people that you can trully call friends.
So, don't say that you've lost everything. Still you earn some experience and learn something about friendship and it was an amazing one.
When, we were high school and because we were graduating that time that friend of ours who aspire to become a lawyer we cannot distrub her and she was really had a temper. I found them, and they found me and we adopt each other just like that. And, one day someone will also find you and will adopt you.
ReplyThis happened to me too, I even felt selfish for putting my academics first to the point that I basically don't hangout with my friends. Lunch breaks are the only time I could hang out with my friends, knowing my parents won't let me out unless it's school related or any special occasion. We were really close at the start, but because I was eager to impress my parents and I had this selfish goal to go to an Ivy League too.
Drifting away from the people close to you is really hard and can take a toll on our mental health. It's part of life, sadly. The best thing you can do is be honest, make up things with them if possible. But if you feel that it's not gonna work, then you have to let go.
Everything is gonna be better. Sometimes it might take long but it will be better.
Reply