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I understand that most of us here are suffering mentally. It seems we gravitate towards websites like this, where we can be ourselves albeit anonymously.
I think I’ve had enough, I’ve held on for long enough and nothing has got better. The doctors, friends, strangers all lied when they said it would get better. That the only way is up.
Have you ever thought about things? About how your life got to this point? Do you remember when you were a young child and you looked upon the world and actually believed anything was possible. That you could be and do anything. What would you tell that child now? What advice would you give them?
Do you ever think back, assess your memories over and over, analysing every snippet of your life for a reason, a cause as to why everyday is just as bad as the ones that came before it. What did we do? That made us subject to such suffering. I wasn’t raised in a religious home, however from time to time I used to pray, I remember asking to be happy. I was never a happy child. Eventually I have up praying, became a stout atheist. If there was a god, then he would have answered my prayers, heard me begging him to make life stop. He didn’t. For 33 years I’ve been wishing I would die, hoping that I get run over, that some catastrophe befalls me. But it never does.
I wish I wasn’t here. I hope I die tonight in my sleep. I just can’t do it anymore, I don’t know what it is that I did wrong in life to deserve this. I can’t think of anything. I didn’t ask to be born, nobody consented, asked if it was okay that I be brought into this world to be the prey of everyone’s mental torture.
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You seem intelligent & rational, so I’ll add 1 more question to the list. Do you ever ask yourself, “If I’m so f**n smart then why haven’t I been able to figure out how to be happy?” I ask myself this constantly, and I think the answer might address a lot of the other questions. Some of us are searching for a kind of happiness that goes beyond the usual. A decent job, which may be enough to satisfy some, doesn’t fulfill our lives. Nor does anything as meaningless as money or luxury. Not that we have all that, but my point is even the pursuit of those things is meaningless.
Similarly some people find happiness by believing in a god or magic or superstition, but it doesn’t work for others like us. “Happiness” for us is undefined, and we’re wasting our time (wasting our lives) by looking in the places where everyone else finds it.
The cynic in me says maybe that’s a fancy way of saying we’re never going to find it. We lack the ability to be happy. I know that’s not helpful, but I figure you’ve heard enough BS all your life.
I constantly think about death too. Lately suicide. Ironically, those are the only thoughts that make me happy. Maybe that’s how things will balance out for us.
ReplyPerhaps you are right, I have thought about it, Ive attempted it multiple times in different ways. Each was a failure. The attempts failed not because of my lack of enthusiasm for the act, but for some other unexplained reason.
Doctors, strangers all tell you to stop self harming, stop cutting yourself - you’ll end up scarred. But they don’t see the truth, they can’t see into your mind. Everything that has happened. They don’t u Dee stand that waking up everyday is harmful, it hurts to open your eyes and see the daylight streaming in through the curtains.
I know what I need to be happy. Some people just aren’t made for this world, society chews you up and spits you out. The last few years have been eye opening, I’ve discovered that people are awful, of hazard an estimate that 90% of the world population is made up of self serving, selfish, narcissistic, nasty people. But I need help?!
I’ve gone through life following some firm advice. “Treat others how you yourself would wish to be treated.” And I have always done so, I have been kind, empathetic, generous. You aren’t though of as a kind or generous person by society though, you are seen as a board to be walked across, something to help them. But I’m the one that needs mental help?
Society as a whole is disgraceful, I’m glad I’m an introvert as I’ve witnessed things, small things, tiny acts which people commit towards others which are completely beyond my comprehension. This is not a society I want to be a part of.
Jobs, cars, houses, these are all just things. Things, whether we need or want them are just another commodity in the capitalists toolbelt. Designed to stretch you and your finances out so thin you cannot afford to do anything.
I don’t want a house, a car, a holiday, I don’t want a job, there is nothing in this world that I want, that I can muster even the enthusiasm to want. It’s all pointless. No matter what you earn or what you own, it won’t ever make you happy. There will always be something else to buy, something more you want, to make these people happy. That isn’t happiness.
Happiness is being content at the place you are in, not wanting or needing anything. These people aren’t happy, they are deluded into believing that they are happy.
Perhaps we are just on another plane of rationality, a higher plane. We don’t conform to everyone else’s standard of normality and we are the ones who need to be fixed. When really - we just see the world for what it is, we see people for who they are. We can’t be controlled or fixed because there’s nothing wrong with us, it’s the rest of the world which has issues.
ReplyI remember as a child and all throughout my childhood wanting to be away from the horrible nasty mother I had, and getting out of school that I hated with a passion.
How are you the prey of everyone's mental torture?
Reply