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What do you do when you’ve hit your limits? When you’ve been pulled, stretched, beaten, and torn apart so badly that you can no longer see the light. Where do you go? Where can you go when your one true love, your best friend, your partner, and your rock have vanished? How do you keep moving forward when all that’s in front of you are bills you can’t pay, hurt you can’t heal, a future that doesn’t seem like much of a future anymore? How can you keep hoping when all your dreams have been crushed? You try to put on a strong and stoic face. You try to act like it doesn’t phase you. You try to pretend like the hurt isn’t real. You lie to yourself every second of every day. Telling yourself that it’s going to be ok. That you are going to be ok. Ultimately knowing that you aren’t ok and that you can’t see any path towards recovery. What do you do when your foundation crumbles all the while telling you that it’s so both of you can heal? How can you tell her that you can’t heal? How can she know that any healing in the past was done because her love for you overcame your hatred for yourself. How do you survive when your world comes crashing down around you. Crushing you until it feels like you can’t breathe. Until it feels like your drowning and your one life line has been ripped away. How can you be angry when all she does is what you’ve asked. When all she’s done is grow and heal and love herself. How can this much pain be fathomable? How can this much pain be real? How do you find solace enough to be able to have just a little bit of sleep when every time you close your eyes you see her face and it makes you weep? How do you push through the nightmares of your past when they mix with the nightmare of your current existence while you try to rest? How can love hurt this bad? Why is it even possible? If this is for the greater good then is that greater good even good at all? How can you move through your day when it’s a struggle to even breathe without her? How do you ignore the pain and stay strong enough to make it to the next day? People claim that if you can just make it through today then things will get better. But todays turn into tomorrow’s. And tomorrow’s turn into weeks and then months and then years. Never fading. Never ceasing. How can you forget the pain of it is so intertwined with the joy. If only you had known that her last kiss would be her last kiss. If you had just known then that kiss could have never ended. Her embrace. Her warmth. Her skin. You crave it. Need it. But it’s always just out of reach. Always just a memory. Always just an overwhelming hopeful pain. How can you release the pain when the hope that it’s tied to is the only thing that is keeping you alive? There are no answers. There is no relief. How can you justify living when all of your life has crumbled and faded. Is living while you’re dead inside even life at all? They say that it helps to erase the memories. But how can you erase the memories of someone you love with your entire being? If you can, did you ever love them as much as you claimed? So many questions and no one has any answers. So here you sit on your throne of questions and pain. Everything stripped away. No career, no plan, no love, no money, no future, no life. Only hope and pain. Tied together like Yin and Yang. So much the opposite yet also inseparable. Maybe someday the pain will subside. Maybe one day hope will prevail. Maybe one day. But sadly not today.
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I can relate to this so much.
I ended things with my Ex because of the pretty much the reasons on your post, it was a long time coming but sudden at the same time. I wish I'd have realised that the last hug and kiss was going to be the last, not that it would make it any less painful though.
I miss him and question whether I made the right choice.
Maybe your ex has her doubts too, maybe she is feeling the loss as deeply as you are.
Sometime people make choices that at the time they think are for the best but when the smoke clears and people calm down and can take a step back a view the situation objectively, they realise that they may have been hasty.
I'm not saying that this is the case in your situation of course, only your ex will know that but maybe it's worth reaching out and testing the waters?
If it were me and my ex got in touch, it would make me happy sonyou never know.
ReplyThis is so sad and beautiful.
I hope she knows how much you love her and I hope you find some form of peace from your heartache.
ReplyAllah.
Reply