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I’ve basically had to give up on/compromise most of my goals, feeling directionless, and I’m almost scared to aim for anything again.
Had to drop out of education because of serious undiagnosed mental health issues, and had originally planned on getting better and then going back to get qualified…unfortunately, that wasn’t realistic. In a lot of ways I’m managing better now, but these illnesses aren’t going to go away, and I’m always going to have bad days/weeks/months as well as some good ones. I’m trying to accept my limits, and not being able to go back into ‘proper’ education is one of them - I just can’t reliably cope with that environment, deadlines, control, the social side, pressure, and then there’s the whole financial part…it’s just not an option for me.
I also came to the realisation that the type of career I always wanted (animal behaviour & psychology/positive reinforcement training, especially equine) just isn’t going to work out, because the vast majority of people involved with horses are just awful, like the community isn’t ready for someone like me, and I wouldn’t ever be able to make a living (especially without uni qualifications). I don’t know why it took me this long to see that, but I’m glad that I haven’t gone into uni loan debt before finding out at least! ‘Dog people’ are usually better than horse people, but I’m not quite as instinctively good with dogs, and not as passionate about it. It could be an option for the next few years, maybe.
I’d love to make a difference doing something like wildlife rescue & rehabilitation, but the emotional toll is something to consider, along with not making much money (if any - a lot of rehabbers are volunteers). It feels cold to put everything back to money, but I gotta be able to look after myself too.
As far as other aspirations go…I’ve never been competitive or particularly motivated to do normal stuff. Creative projects, yes. But that’s not the same as having goals.
I definitely don’t want kids, although maybe I’d consider fostering a teenager later on in life (if I even could, with the mental issues I have on my record). It’s not an essential life goal for me though. I don’t particularly want to get married and live with one person forever, either. I’m in my 20s and haven’t ever had a romantic partner, but the idea is kind of weird to me.
I know that having goals and things to look forward to is important, but I’m really stuck right now. I don’t know what I want. A lot of the time, nothing feels good or right, so there’s nothing to guide me in that sense. Ugh.
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