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First things first, I don’t fatshame. I cringe when I see everyone congratulating those that post weight loss pics, with ‘you look so much better now!’ as if someone’s worth is tied to how much space they take up. I hate diet culture.
I was fat shamed a lot as a kid. I had an eating disorder as a child/teen because of it (at 15 years old I was 5ft6 and weighed 7 and a half stone, and still thought I had to lose weight because of that tummy pouch that people have when they’re hydrated). In my early 20s I had mostly got over it. I intentionally stopped restricting myself. I didn’t suddenly get obese (not that it would have mattered, mental health was the goal more than physical appearance). I then started working out, increasing my protein intake and really trying to bulk up. That was 2 years ago, and…I haven’t bulked up. I’m not strong. I can’t lift any heavier or do any more reps than I was doing in those first few months. I don’t look like someone who’s been working out and drinking protein shakes for 2 years.
I’ve realised that my goals are probably unrealistic, and I’m probably never going to look/be muscular. That makes me think it was all a waste of time, because I actually hate working out and it’s all pain, no gains.
If I can’t ever look or be strong…that’s worrying. I really wanted to have some hint of muscles, and there’s just nothing. My brothers been working out the same time as me, he looks great and is up to 6-7 sets while I’m still on 3.
I didn’t work out for 3 weeks (had covid, also have a chronic cough and kept feeling faint when I tried). Even though I stopped the extra protein intake, I gained a little fat. And I don’t want to look at myself. It’s so stupid, I can find fat beautiful & soft & appealing on other people but on myself, I feel ashamed. I feel like if I can’t bulk up and look the way I want to, the next best thing is to slim down and look the way society wants me to. I can be hot to someone, if not myself. At the same time, I’m terrified of being seen as weak, and being taken advantage of again by people who know they’re stronger than me.
I don’t know what to do.
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