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My boyfriend and I are of different cultures. Being in a relationship for 3 years, I, for some reason decided that it was time to introduce him to my family. It was a disaster. They screamed at me for getting involved with a hispanic guy, for not caring about the family honor, for doing "bad things". For them the biggest issue was that he was hispanic. They said all the worst things possible, how people like him don't care for marriage, get married 5 times over, free load off the government etc. It was as if these were people I never met before. And as for me, the fact that I got involved with a guy was just preposterous for them. I am not supposed to even date let alone bring a guy home. A guy who's non-Indian, not from my caste and above all, wasn't earning 6 figures for them. According to them, I'm supposed to finish getting a degree and quietly marry a guy they find for me, without a mind of my own. I was told constantly to forget him, to move on, focus on my career and I'll find many guys, better options in the future for myself. I was ostracized by my parents, they wouldn't even look at me or breathe in my direction. They wouldn't treat me like the 22 year old adult I am and let me take my own decisions. They took away my passport from me as well. Just tired of their behavior, I left home the first chance I got, with only my passport and laptop in hand. I went to stay with my boyfriend and we plan on moving out soon too. However, the more I stayed with him I started hearing the same issues from his side of the family and friends as well. "Her culture is sooo different from ours. Even the foods have nothing in common." I didn't think something as trivial as food differences would make people question a whole relationship. My boyfriend and I have had our share of arguments over our cultures but we have always met in the middle. We made it work and it has never been a problem since. But to keep having all these people from my life who meant so much to me and people who mean so much to him suddenly bring our cultures up as a reason for them to not approve of us being together, makes me wonder is it really such a big deal? Are the two of us doomed to not work out long term because of it? I lost most of my family after I decided to leave the house against their wishes. I don't want him losing his side of family and friends too over our relationship. Just because they don't like that I'm a different culture from them.
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Report them to the police for theft of your passport.
ReplyThis is so messed up. I feel bad for you, and also for your parents. Try to make this relationship work out and stay in touch with your family, don't completely abandon them because they were only doing all this for your good.
ReplyI am so sorry that you are facing so much prejudice from your families. Cultural identity is important, but it's never completely who a person is.
If you and our partner can communicate, compromise, navigate these problems together, and still feel loved and respected by each other... I think your relationship is strong, and worth struggling for. Even if it doesn't last (all relationships end, even if it's because one of you dies of old age first), it sounds like this guy is making you happy. You have your whole life, and it's yours to choose how to live it. You're committing yourself to this relationship, because it's important to you.
Your parents have built up a lazy stereotype about Hispanic people, and are letting it stop them from seeing your partner as the wonderful young man that he is. They're also pigeonholing you, expecting you to live up to a cultural stereotype of a Good Indian Daughter.
The truth is, your family have such high expectations for you - your life, your career, your spouse... even if you meet all those expectations, it sounds like you will be terribly unhappy. Because you didn't choose them for yourself. Trying to keep you hostage by stealing your passport- well, it was never going to work to make you the perfect obedient kid, was it?
They're being foolish to let their Idea of a Daughter replace their real, living, actual Daughter, and it must hurt like hell. I am so, so sorry.
His family are also showing a certain amount of ignorance, but I'm hoping that the more they get to know you, the more they will realise they didn't know about you, and your culture, and all the things that make you a wonderful member of their son's family.
I hope that both sides will come around to you, eventually. It might take a long time. It might not ever happen - they have to be willing to reach across that bridge. But I hope that you will reach a place of peace and happiness with how you chose to live your own life. You and your partner are navigating this problem together, as a team, and I hope you will win, whatever that situation looks like.
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