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My partner passed away almost a year ago and I just need someone to know the moment I knew I was in love with him.
We were best friends. The kind where we talk every day and can pick up on each other's emotions without even saying anything. I was on my way out of a relationship with a really toxic individual but not officially so I wasn't able to act on this situation the way I wanted to.
I had acquired some LSD for him as a favor for something else and we decided to hang out after I came to drop it off. At midnight, our other friend who had come to hang out had long fallen asleep and it was just us. I had jokingly, but not really, suggested we dropped on a whim and just pull an all-nighter. He raised an eyebrow at me and before I knew it we were sprawled out listening to Dark Side of the Moon and just being vulnerable until the sun rose.
The sun peaked over the horizon and into the living room window when he suggested we go out onto his back porch for a cigarette and maybe some tea. I agreed, the sky was one of my favorite things to look at and I was sweaty and desperate for some fresh air. It was at about the time where spring was turning to summer, so it was chilly. I grabbed one of his jackets and I remember being enveloped in his smell as I walked out the back door. He smelled like fresh laundry and trees. Sometimes I still smell him even though he has been gone since August.
I was standing on the porch having a smoke when I heard the back door open. There he was, disheveled in PJs and a house robe, holding two London Fogs because he could never just make tea. It had to be fancy. He handed me my mug and our hands brushed and it was like I had been stuck by lightning. I looked at him, messy hair with the rising sun at his back, and it was like the universe itself shoved me to the ground and shouted "It's him! It's always been him!"
Deep down those feelings had already been there, but I always felt that it was never anything I should attempt to pursue. Even in this moment, I sat on my feelings like I was trying to close an overstuffed suitcase. I had never wanted to kiss anyone more in my entire life. But instead of that, I clenched my fist so hard I could feel my fingernails leaving crescent-shaped indents on my palms. But I knew that I was gone. He had me at his beck and call and he didn't even know it. I fell in love with him with the rising sun, but now his sun has set and I am still in love with him. I probably will be forever. If anyone ever reads this, thank you, and as a favor to me, if you are ever presented with the kind of love that lights up your entire being, love that is so strong that it hurts, please take a chance on it. It might not end the way you want, even tragically, but I will hold on to the love I had for my sunrise for the rest of my life and beyond. Don't give yourself a chance to regret what could have been.
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OP here, just to make potential readers aware that we did wind up dating a bit later but we were only officially together for about 4 months before he died. The best 4 months of my life.
ReplyThat sounds like a wonderful moment. I'm so sorry for your loss but I'm glad that you had the memories and the love before that. It may be painful now, but what you had together makes it worthwhile.
I'm in that kind of love now. Unfortunately he's married. I will never attempt to intervene or complicate his life. He and I both adore each other, I know that and so does he, but we will never cross any boundaries. He's a great friend and a good man. I have taken a chance, I will keep taking chances on him because he's worth it, but I will never tell him how much I like him because that could only ever hurt him. But he lights me up, makes me a better person, gives me hope for a future. I'm holding onto him as a friend now because he's simply the best person I know. If you have any advice or perspective for me, I'd like to hear it. I'd love to recount my equivalent moment, but I think I've talked about myself enough for now - sorry, this is about you, not me.
You lost your love to death, I lost mine to circumstance, unfortunately that's how life goes sometimes. I'm sure that, like me, you are eternally grateful for everything anyway. Take care
ReplyI'm not the Op but can I ask you and I'm not trying to be judgemental here I just want to understand....he's married and you say he knows how you feel and you don't want to complicate his life which is great, I respect that you aren't trying to end his marriage but do you not think that him knowing dies potentially complicate his life and does his wife know how you feel about him, if it was me and I knew my husbands friend was in love with him, I would not be happy with him having her in his life. Again, I'm not trying to judge, just to understand.
ReplyOP here! That was someone who commented on the post. My partner and I were both single when we got together.
ReplyI think they may have deleted their comment.
ReplyHi, I'm the person who wrote the comment you're replying to. No, he doesn't know how I feel and neither does his wife - I absolutely agree that it would complicate his life if either of them was to find out. I will never let on, I have integrity and I will never treat it as anything more than friendship, which is all it is. Just because I would ideally like something more doesn't mean I have to act on it, but it also doesn't mean I have to pull away completely. We're good friends. We get on well, celebrate the good times together and lean on each other when it gets hard. It would hurt him if I was to suddenly distance myself. So I'm going to stay a friend, and just enjoy having him around while he wants to stay. I'm not forcing him to stick around and I'm not chasing him... and I think this is the best way I can manage it
ReplyHonestly, I found that just focusing on how great it was being his friend really helped me play my feelings down until it was appropriate for us to pursue something more romantic. I loved him so much that just being a positive presence in his life was enough for me.
ReplyAww I'm so sorry for your loss.
I had a love like that a took a chance on it. It didn't end well and i feel lost without him. I feel differently to you, I wish I had never experienced it because now I am just consumed with what I have lost and will likely never have again.
ReplyPart of me feels that way too, that I could have saved myself some pain by just never letting it happen in the first place. But I know that if I had, now I would be caught up in the what-ifs and the regret of never putting it all on the table. I am so sorry that it didn't work out friend
ReplyThank you. Maybe I'd feel differently if I'd never have been with him, I'd regret that I wasn't, who knows.
You're a very strong person and I hope you get to experience great love again and I'm sure you will.
ReplyI loved him and he loved me back and that will always be enough for me. I just wanted more time to relish in our mutual love
Reply