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Everything in my life has gone to shit and it's all my fault. It's only just hit me now. Slapped me across the face like a cold, bitter gust of August wind.
2022 was meant to be a great year, a fresh start. My final year of high-school was meant to be amazing; friends and partying, meeting new people. Well, let's just say... it's been far from.
It all started when I met and fell in love with a guy I can't have. Also fucked up our friendship by being way to intense and cringe. That's a long ass story though. Anyhow, after that I promised myself to always trust my instincts and to follow my heart, even when the impatient part of my brain is telling me to do the opposite. But, of course, I didn't keep my promise because I'm a dumb whore. I did another stupid thing, messed up something else and now I'm drowning in guilt and longing and disgust all at once. Probably ruined someone's entire career and my chance of a relationship too. WHOO HOO! GO ME! Can't go into details there either for privacy reasons.
Anyways, due to the fact that all of this crap has been the only thing on my mind, I've been unconsciously pushing away all my friends who have been with me way longer than the two men that were in my life. I've hurt my friends, I know it. They don't invite me places anymore, I'm no ones favourite. They don't ask me to come study with them. They don't text me anymore. They are hurt and angry by my selfish actions. I've been an idiot. I haven't been there for them, I've just expected them to be there for me.
The world does not revolve around me, yet I find myself constantly doing and saying things that make me believe I have a ego and selfishness issue.
AND on top of all of this I'm failing school. Okay, rant over.
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You are so brave expressing all these words. For that alone you shall praise yourself. Now that you know what you have done, it's high time to write down with simple words the first thing that you want to do to fix the situation. Your mind knows best what you should do. Hope for the best
ReplyThank you very much for your comment! I’m in the process of doing just that.
ReplyI don't think any of this is unsalvageable, although it all feels like a lot.
You started out with high expectations, which probably makes all this seem worse than it is, because it didn't match the picture you had in your head. Shit happens, it's OK.
You can't help who you fall in love with. It's unexpected, and intense, and exciting - that's why it's such a rush!
It opens up all this intense personal feelings, and vulnerability - Yeah, it's pretty cringe! That's all part of the experience when you're young and trying to date people.
Don't call yourself a dumb whore - being mean to yourself can become a really bad habit. Trust someone who knows, you have to be a friend to yourself, even when you think you've messed up.
When we think we've done some real damage, a sincere apology can go a long way. It feels super uncomfortable to approach the person we've wronged, and say out loud what it is that we've done, and admit that it was wrong and we're sorry, but... sometimes it's the best we can do.
Maybe you haven't ruined anyone's career, and they forgive you. Maybe you have done something irreparable that you can't take back. Maybe they don't want to hear it.
At least you'll be able to stop feeling so guilty and disgusted with yourself. You can even think of yourself as brave and kind for having tried to right the wrong you did - it is not easy, but it is a route to making things better, with yourself as much as with the other person.
An apology also comes with a promise to do better next time. It's a commitment to turning things around.
The solution to having been selfish with your friends is to acknowledge it, apologise, and then commit to being kind and generous. Part of being hurt that you've not spent as much time with them is probably because they miss you. They might not welcome you back straight away, but showing them you're sincere about mending your friendships will make them more willing to give you another chance.
The world does not revolve around you, it's true, but you only get to live life from behind one set of eyeballs, so everything you do has a direct effect on your experience of living in the world.
I hope you'll be able to make this situation calmer so that you can focus on your studies. You're not Failing, but you have your work cut out for you if you want to make the grades you know you're capable of. Your teachers will want you to succeed, so think about what kind of help you need, and then ask for it. They will want to help you help yourself, but you have to be willing to admit to needing some assistance.
People being all at once vulnerable, and generous towards each other - that is the secret to World Peace and universal happiness. The school year's not quite over - I hope it goes a little better for you before the Summer break arrives. All the best.
ReplyWow, this is incredible. Thank you so much for spending the time and effort to write all this! This is really great advice and your writing is beautiful.
I think you’re write about everything you’ve said here - Where and when and how did you get so wise?!
Thanks again sooo much!
ReplyYou're welcome. :)
In terms of how? I have spent a lot of time reading Self Help articles, and recently adopted Buddhism as a way of looking at life that really makes sense to me.
Captain Awkward is my heroine. Her writing about boundaries, and good apology-making has been really instrumental in improving my life.
I also really like The Happiness Podcast. That resource has really helped me with some anxieties lately.
The rest is just experience.
All the best! x
ReplyI like the way you write… You write the way I think. About myself mostly, but it’s interesting to see someone else going through the same thing and feeling the same way. I kinda want to see how things turn out for you, wondering if you’ll make the same choices. Good luck?
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