What are you looking for?
Little Doll Suffocating (Please read)
3 months ago · · Depression, · Explicit
Suffocating. The same stressful situation. A repetitive daily cycle. Waking up, choking with tears falling asleep hoping you won't wake up. 24 years alive, a miracle might I say dear audience. A grown woman who talks to her fantastic friends in the middle of the night, a 15 year old lolita in her brain. Listen or rather read as I am about to confess to the darkness of the mass my biggest issues, desires and traumas.
I was only seven, a child, a daughter of drug addict Daddy and a major depressed Mommy. Dad was always cursing, and hitting mom, his arms bleeding a body skinnier than anything, his idol Bruce Lee. He never hitted me, not even a spank. He was a coward a sick man, a boy who his father abused him and his mother. My grandmother who raised me and died from sadness when my Daddy attempted suicide. I was only seven years old.. my mom was a ghost. Poor, unhealthy and shuttered from violence. My grandma raised me. I was visiting my father and my grandma who lived together every weekend, when my parents divorced. A free time of infidelity for the woman who wasn't beloved, who was forced to keep a child she didn't want after so many abortions. A girl from a small village who thought love will save her instead of a forced marriage by her parents. A free time of ecstasy for a man who saved all his pocket money from his mommy to hit the stones and pierce the needles only when I was near him. His silent scream to be saved by my Little me. A painful time for little me who every weekend suffered sexual abuse, verbal abuse and being exposed to drugs, psychopaths and perverts. I was only 12 years old my eyes had seen the cruelty of the world. My only friend my dog who was hanged by my sick uncle, my father's brother for not being able to walk at the two of his feet.
Now, dear audience with the Devil by my side I shall express my inner demons and scream at the people who hurt me. Praying for punishment.
I want to talk about my weekends, when I was am angel. From 8 years old till my 16 when that bastard due I was a sex kitten, a little doll to admire as he stated. My grandma was a nurse, and took care of an old man around 70 years old and his bedridden sister who loved me dearly. In his house stayed my drug addicted father who was never there, my psychopathetic uncle who hated me and my father ever since his wife abandoned him and took his son away my grandma and my dog and that old man who decided to become my weekend Daddy. He had a basement where he kept his equipment as a Barber and all his books. I remember him taking me down there, lifting my beautiful always filling dresses, kissing my panties pulling then down and putting his head between my legs. I was feeling awkward I couldn't understand. He used to put me on his office he was keeping my legs apart with my elbow on top, he was telling me how sweet I tasted and licked me down there. Where to talk or say something I would never be allowed to see my dad my grandma and my dog ever again. I didn't want to lose them. I just had to stay still to just kiss me as he was telling me. I remember him bouncing on top of me. How pressed and suffocated I was faster and heavier till he stopped. Telling me to clean up, always asking if I was bleeding.. I didn't know why. I remember him other days to have me sit on the floor my head on his knees he loved reading and showing me porn magazines and have my hand and his hand on top jerking him off. I just took it like a good girl that I was supposed to be. Because based on what he said this is natural and how people love each other. But my dad was never awake to stop him or listen. He would be in his room with his brother sniffing drugs. My grandmother knew. Every weekend she knew about me but she was saying it is okay because he would due soon and get his fortune. I was not okay with that though and she threatened me as well. About not being able to see my Daddy. She was both my mother and my caretaker. All week I would stay hungry and most of the time alone at home. Because my mother was working all the time and was very sad. She didn't care about me. And the weekends went on. I knew the moment he picked me up from my house that I was a doll. I got used to it. We never had a real intercourse only touching always in fear of me bleeding. The predator, used to take care of me as well. Anything I wanted I shall had it. Toys, money for school, dresses and panties his favourite of course with me trying them on and dance around. Anything but anything I wanted. For the price of just letting him love me. I was only 14 years old . 6 years of the same routine never pleased, just pleasing. He even stole my first kiss. 15years old he died of Cancer, his last words: Sweetheart, my babygirl forgive me. He was gone with my innocence and left me in a world of darkness. I lost my Daddy again. He also left grandma with no money. After that real pain begins with her two sick sons going downward.
After his death they and my weekends moved to his sister's house who my grandma took care as well. She loved me so much knowing everything that I was going through that she gifted me her house before she died a year later. Without being a doll anymore and being occupied by pleasing him. I started following my real father around and saw him taking his drugs. I remember him one time stealing my money putting me in a random bus stoned as fuck and told the driver to take me home. Police picked me up and took me to my mother. After that rarely I visited. One weekend my uncle took a knife and threatened me and my grandma in front of my dad for some pills. He stabbed dad and also tried to electrocute him. I remember screaming and burning. My grandma fainted, my father broke a glass with his head tried pierce his hands. I was screaming stop. I ran away, I was 16, a car almost hit me and home was far from close. My grandma found me hours later in a park where I was screaming and sent me to my mom. My mom was so shocked she forbidden me from visiting ever again. It was too late though. I never told anyone about my experiences. I was just the good girl who had to be good at school and everything in order people to praise and give money to me to help my mom home. I hated my real father. I remember at weekends sleeping with him me horizontaly layer and him bowing head to the floor completely knocked out with a small TV buzzing in the background. Always pills, always me carrying him home when he slept while walking. People pitify me for the sorry excuse of a father that I had to carry around. More bad things happened. My uncle and my father where hospitalized, my grandma got cancer and me I have become obese and immobilized by my dislocated knees. In 4 years my predator, the aunty sister who loved me and my grandma died. I fell a victim of bullying, boys kicked me and broke my things put fire on my reports. But I always smiled and draw and studied very hard. I was the top of my class. The house that has been left to me, I let my sick father and uncle stay in it. It was my grandma's wish. I was 17 and a senior year student. My goal was Astronomy and Maths. My father vanished, his health brain and body deteriorated a few times I have seen him we was a moving corpse. Aids, cancer, hepatitis, stds, heart issues and mental issues took over. He was dangerous to touch. One day he was hospitalized. It was spring, he stood up opened his arms for a hug called my name for a hug but my mother didn't let me. He cried. I wish I could have hugged him, even though he did so many bad things. He was a sick child as well. Just like me in the end. I couldn't protect him and take care of him nor be besided my grandma who raised me instead of my mother. My mother kept her sickness a secret only to learn that she was dying a few days before she left this world. My grandma apologized and she wished me the best to come. At this point I have attempted to kill myself twice. I was scared that my dad would go just like that. And so he did. He went missing for a month. It was time for my SATS where I learned two days before that he was found deteriorating at some central streets over a week dead. I was devastated. My home was taken over by my still alive uncle who have burned down the doors and windows. I didn't write as good as I wished to my exams. But. At my father's funeral I lost it. I was mentally gone. A circle almost closed. But my traumas as still here.
Now, at 24 I have received many scholarships. Depending on my own. I have studied Fine Arts and healed myself and now I'm studying the real deal. Psychology. My goal is to become a Clinical Forensic Psychiatrist and protect people like me. I can smell them miles away. I have studied so much. I have lived so much.
I don't have friends, I'm also still a Virgin because I must not bleed. I'm also into BDSM, looking for a Dom and a Daddy to react my traumas. I'm also working and have my salary and take care of my mom. My uncle is still alive but sick. He lives to my burned down house of pain.
I suffer from my knees and can't walk properly. I need surgery but I need to lose 70 kgs. I'm not ugly. I'm quite pretty actually even though I'm fat. I play pretend socially and do a live that doesn't reflect my insides. I travel a lot, I try to have a stylish and jealous like life to feel good about something. I always wear nice clothes to hide my dirt. And even though I am a submissive lolita in my head who speaks at night to my fantastic friends, I'm very controlling and dominant to my studies and work life. No sex. Boys come to me
But they are not enough. I feel nothing. Girls same. Doctors told me that next years I will become a monster as well and I won't be able to walk. I don't have so much money for my surgeries. I have accepted that I will die as a freak and nerd. Alone with my demons.
Dear audience, thank you for listening so far. There are still more but my mind is in a frenzy. I am scared of the others, but mostly I'm scared of myself.
Once again, suffocating.