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Now, I want to describes the events today that brought about a cruel revelation onto me. For context, I am a 23 year old man. To save money for my college expenses, I live with my parents, and go to University. My parents pay for my classes and I pay for the books and other material (computer hardware and software, etc,.) Is this typical? I do not know, but this does contribute to the problem at stake, that is, I feel like a loser. Today, I was walking around in the mall and I saw the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. And in an instance, she disappeared within the mob of people. It was at this point that it all culminated. I am 23 years old, living with my parents, and I have NEVER had a girlfriend in my life. So, now I resort to writing anonymously, in the vain hope that I can resolve this or at least make sense of this awful situation. Throughout my life, I was convinced that I should save myself for a girl who I would eventually meet. In middle school, I told myself I would meet her later in high school. Then in high school, I told myself I would meet her later in college. Now I am in college and this hypothetical "dream girl" is nowhere. Because of this stalling, I could not be more ill-equipped to meet women. Is there anything that can be done? My interests, which includes my field of study, are not things women would care about, such as construction, military, and art. I think my lack of confidence (as I feel like a loser for living with my parents) and my personality may be the reason I have no game. Obviously, I am biased and I cannot objectively assess my own looks, but I would say I am average looking. But perhaps I am too ugly. What is it that girls find attractive in a man? His confidence? His looks? His personality? I just don't think I can be myself, because frankly nobody cares what I have to say or what I am interested in. Because I am writing this anonymously, I also feel it is worth stating that I am autistic, so I am socially dead. So, if you want to help me, just give it to me straight, am I screwed? Will I live a life alone? Do girls chase guys? To anyone who took the time to read this, I am sincerely grateful. Have a pleasant day!
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ReplySo what you're saying is that there's nothing I can do?
Replyimo being 23, living with parents and still studying sounds normal to me. its a great choice tho since you can save more money. being attracted to opposite genders is normal too especially being in 20s, but somehow for me 23 is such a young age tho and you still have a lot of time of improvement, to know about yourself and to know about your likings (also in term of knowing people). attracted to lookings, is the first thing ever when knowing someone no lie, but when comes to time, personality and financially stable will come later. if youre serious with the person you like, keep trying hard for your life. gets good grades, makes your parents proud, gets a job and impress the person you like. good luck buddy! wish you the happiest!
ReplyYou are in a financial situation where you're relying on your parents' assistance to get you through your education. In this economy, that is extremely common for lots of young people everywhere.
Losers are those who never try to change anything.
You're working hard towards getting your education, and using the resources available to you to get there. You've got goals and you're taking responsibility for meeting them. That's not loser behaviour.
Do you want a girlfriend because you think that having one will convey some kind of status on you and prove something about you not being a "loser"? Or are you approaching this from a frame of mind where you love being yourself, but you'd enjoy sharing your time with another person, and building a wholesome, loving relationship together?
If it's the first one, concentrate on building a good relationship with yourself, and clarify what your real motivations are. If it's the second one, then proceed.
You've built up an idea of a "dream girl". She is a dream - she does not exist. You've kept putting it off and putting it off until this amazing girl will drop into your lap, but relationships don't work like that - You've been denying yourself the chance to practice and make mistakes and learn from them when it comes to being in a relationship. Relationships don't just happen - they require constant maintenance, and sustained input from both sides. Good communication is the key skill in being a good partner.
Moreover - the girl who is right for you when you're 23 might not be the same woman who is your ideal match at 33, or 43. People change over time, you might outgrow your first love. Life circumstances move you closer or further apart.
Also, you can't meet people and build relationships with them if you don't make time to go and do that. If finding a date is your goal, first find people. Join an interest group linked to your favourite stuff to meet women who are also into your favourite stuff. Join a dating app to meet people who are specifically available for and looking for a relationship.
You're worried about being yourself, but who else are you going to be? Don't try to build a facade. You're looking for the person who is a good match for YOU.
Play the most statistically likely strategy that will allow you to meet a lot of people who tick at least some of your boxes - You're not looking for The One - you're looking for Someone. Someone who broadly shares the same values and wants roughly similar things in life. Someone who seems like they would be fun to date.
If you think your interests skew a little too male-dominated, it's OK if your partner doesn't share them. There are certainly women who are into construction and military stuff, but they're a smaller demographic. Focus instead on where you're more likely to find common ground with more people.
Lots of women care about Art - a day at a gallery could be a good date idea. You'd have a lot of stuff to talk about - each other's favourite artists, what you feel when you look at various artworks... Plenty of opportunity to learn about each other and how you both interpret the world. A good date makes you both feel at ease. Don't worry about whether it's going to lead anywhere, just try to have fun, and see whether you find each other's company to be pleasant, interesting, and comfortable. Then you can decide if you want a second date!
Here's the secret to attractiveness... it's like the secret to being Cool. Being Cool is unselfconsciously loving being yourself.
Nothing makes my partner seem more handsome than when he is nerding out about something he finds really interesting. The random depth of his knowledge delights and surprises me. Watching him light up as he explains to me some esoteric piece of medieval history is so exhillerating. His enthusiasm is contagious - because interested people are interesting to people.
If you're warm and friendly, if you have enthusiasm for something, if you take an interest in learning about what is really important to the other person during your conversations... people respond to that - we all want to feel listened to and respected.
I hope you'll find the courage to give it a go. Don't go out looking for A Wife. Just meet some cool, fun, interesting people and see whether any romantic feelings develop.
You are not a loser. You're going places.
ReplyHi dude!
First of all: you're not a loser and definitelly not screwed. You are very young and living with your parents after you graduate high school is extremelly typical. Just know that this is not your falt giving the circumstances of the world right now, since it's getting harder to be independent fiinancially. Also, It is never too late to do anything. You will major and get your own money. Even if you don't leave your parents house, that's still no reason to feel shame. Everyone has a different timing!
Don't think you gotta have life all figured out at such a young age. The 20s are the time to make mistakes and to learn from them. I know it's a little bit harder bc of your social skills (that's what you said on the letter) but you have to put yourself through new experiences! (But DONT do anything that won't make you comfortable. Please take care!)
About the girl situation, yeah I get it it's hard finding "the one". But I am sure someone out there has the same interests as you. Try talking with a girl from your campus or even from your classes (you already will have one thing to talk about hahaha)
And I'm a girl. In my very very personal opinion, most girls don't go only for looks. What I find attractive in a man:
-His confidence (that's a trait that makes a person even prettier to me!);
-How he treats the people around him (he has to be respectful, that's very important);
My advice is: don't change who you are for other people. If they don't like you for what you are, then they're not worth it. Be yourself. Talk about your interests and I'm sure you will find a girl that really really likes you!
That's all I have to say. Sorry if I wasn't very clear, I really hoped this was helpfull.
You seem to be a nice, sweet and caring person. Really wishing you the best and a lot of success in all aspects of your life. Take care! :)
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