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The Aftermath of Cheating on Someone You Loved
3 months ago · · Regrets, · Explicit
Where do I even begin… I remember the times before the horrible experience I had to face, when everything was happy and just in pure bliss with the relationship I once had. To be completely honest he was my everything, the beginning of my first everything such as my first kiss, losing my virginity and just my first boyfriend-
I can’t lie but yes he was my first boyfriend, I had been always told that I will find someone else and eventually find someone better. I do believe that yes it’s true, you will find someone better than your last but it’s that feeling you once had in your stomach, the feeling of butterflies, the excitement you had when you received a text from them or just the glint in their eyes when staring at them and couldn’t help but smile- those feelings are something that won’t always last when they’re gone. All you can do is just imagine how it was back then and can’t deny or hide for what you have done to them.
To be blunt overall, I cheated on my ex boyfriend.. I always felt the feeling how cheaters were always viewed as bad people for doing such a thing and I agree.. but now I’m now consider one of those people, it’s not something to be proud of but it’s that weight being carried on your name; titled as a “cheater” yet I wonder how a cheater felt and here I am.. writing.
It happened 6 months ago, it began in December 2021, at the time I had been dating for my boyfriend about 10 months. During that month I started seeing someone from another country, at first it was all pure harmless jokes and an enjoyable conversations with this new person, soon eventually I spent more time with him, ignoring my boyfriend on the sidelines. My boyfriend eventually caught up with my lies because it was my “nervous thing” , lying that I was playing with just a ‘friend’, in a way I lied because I couldn’t help but lie I could’ve caught feelings for that specific person. It was like an experience when you meet a new person, the new idea of feeling happiness with someone new while exploring your new common interest together. It intertwined with my mind with my interest and my boyfriend relations. This relation begin to become more erotic and not as friends anymore. When my boyfriend caught me red handed- he saw all the text messages with him, I could just hear the tone of his voice- drop.. avoiding my gaze, holding my hand tightly and it was clear as he started to shake. Yet I stared and observed him how he felt. We fought about it.. he told me “ I still love you… but please stop this, I need you” I couldn’t help but cry to those words.
In a way I cried to those words, touched by them but in my heart it felt like I knew I was going to do it but in a way I didn’t know anything. We made up and stayed together.
But yet I kept doing it.. why? Why did I do it? Why couldn’t I say to myself- stop this is wrong.. Now when I think about it, I can imagine the stress and the self degradation that my ex boyfriend must’ve said to himself “you’re not good enough for her”, “what did I do that made her like this?” “I want to be enough”, back then I disregarded his feelings and let myself enjoy with that person.. I was selfish to let my boyfriend to suffer.. but yet I still love him.
I knew I was being selfish to the point I got mad at the person and my boyfriend, I wanted everything to be okay.. I knew deeply I was in the wrong and couldn’t help that I couldn’t choose between them because I knew I would lose another.
One night, I fought with my ex boyfriend because of how I felt about the situation to be fairly I was hurt as well, I cheated and the pain I did to others is what pained me the most. I finally cracked, and decided to break up with my boyfriend. I remember the night we fought during on a call with him, the tears and shouting he did.. I knew I broke him. His words will always be remembered “ Alyza, you broke me- you made me feel like this, you’re nothing but a bitch for doing this”, his words were true it was like I needed that reality check from someone to just get my head out of the clouds.
Even when we fought, our feelings still showed.. that’s what makes me smile, despite the fight we had and what I had done he was still there with me wishing he did something, when it was me who should’ve done something- to stop.
Everything went well for a few months, we kept talking and I decided to ignore the guy I was talking to, however it changed when the new person went over to see me. He showered me with gifts and affection, something I couldn’t help but be in awe. As my ex boyfriend found out he was disgusted by me, but I really do believed he blamed himself in ways.. ever since then we left unspoken.. blocked..
Here I am.. feeling the guilt, regret and pain from before and now.. I wonder how cheaters felt and this is how I feel.. I just want to go back and see him again, I want to make him smile, I want to feel his touch, I want to be love by him again..
I cry myself to sleep, shouting at myself why did I do it? I gained nothing from it and now I’m just tired of everything. The feeling when you have someone in your life is now gone, nothing can be said or done to change it or to get them back.. it horrifies me that I’m not there with him anymore because it felt like everything was perfect.
I look back at our pictures and the memories we have, I just smile and wish I was there again.. I wished I captured and cherished every moment of them because now it’s gone..
The clear memory I have most is his tears and his smile, one that is printed in my mind forever..
I love him, no matter where he is. I hope he’s happy. Overall I know I’m still selfish because I do want him back and I hate imagining himself with someone else.. but I just have to try and smile and move on. “I still love him, please come back” this idea has to get out of my head soon, I can’t handle it anymore