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I didn't want her I didn't want her I didn't want her
3 months ago · · Stress,
My baby is 2 months old now. I hate her. She wasn't meant to be mine. It wasn't supposed to happen. I didn't want kids and then that guy raped me and now Im stuck with one. Deep down I love her but then everytime I look at her I'm reminded of that day. She's a product of something disgusting. I was going to have an abortion but I didn't. I was going to put her up for adoption but I didn't. I don't know why. I feel like I'm probably too attached now. Sometimes I get mad just seeing her. Just knowing she exists. I have to calm myself down so I don't kill her. I wouldn't hurt her on purpose but sometimes violent thoughts creep into my head and I have to walk away for a bit.
I really want all of this to go away. I want everything to go away. Last week I had my friend babysit for me and I told her I had to go run errands, but really I took my car to the edge of the river and felt like driving into it and letting the water swallow me. I was going to but I didn't. I just sat in my car and zoned out for 3 hours straight. I didn't listen to music or think about anything. I just sat there, wishing that the ground would engulf me so I didn't have to live.
I should give the baby to my friend. She likes kids. Then I'll kill myself because she deserves a better life than I can give her. I don't want to get in the way. I'll never recover anyway so it's really not worth fighting this.