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I identify as a trash can and no one can stop me
3 months ago · · Gender Identity, · Explicit
My older sis recently came out to my dad, and i did about a week before her and she only now found outso shes like
"Omygosh ur the reason i came out, you're a trend setter! Lol!"
No the only trend I've set is sending myself spiraling into an identity crisis and questioning absolutely everything i think about myself cuz of what my dad replied with
Idk what all hesaid, i have a tendency to shut ppl out when i dont hear what i want to hear which is annoying and im working on fixing it but, i think he said something about how we [sis and my ftm brother] turned out the way we are cuz our mom died when we were all very young, thus thrusting us into a new situation that literally no one fucking knew how to deal with[still dont haha] but he said that we went through trauma and had "bad influences" [my bros friend told him he was a boy, which yes isn't necessarily a great thing to push at someone but idc I'll accept him, brother, sister or sibling[and my older sis was having to deal with adults giving her to much responsibility and drinks[my aunt gave her alcohol at 18.]]] idk idk i guess yeah /maybe/ i didnt want to be a bisexual nonbinary genderfluid humanoid at 13/14 but i also had no fucking idea what i wanted to be then either! Or now for petes sake!
I can barely make it a day! I've only just turned 18, like last month! Wtf do you mean!? "You didn't want to be this when you were young and if ur mom was still around you wouldn't have followed this path, blablabla-" well then maybe god should've ponied up and fucking healed her! Huh? Fucking thought of that dad! If im wrong for finding comfort in wanting to wear a binder and love all r hw fucking genders than fucking have god kill me too! Not much good im doing! I literally just leech off othwrs! Im literally just livibg with my grandparents for the summer and cominf back home cuz im to fuckign stupid to finish shcool when i eas supposed too
What do you want from me? To say "oh no im so sorry, ill comform to your view of "oh nonbinary just means you're you"??? I dont fucming know what im goung to do with my life! My goal is to bot pitch myself off a fucking cliff! To stop teari g into my skin and thinking about grabbing a knife to see how deep i can cut myself! Thats my goal! I dongneed or want to be questioning if im ok! Or if being who i am is wrong!
I hate myself enough as it is, i dont nee c the weight of knowing my dad thinks he failed as a father just because i find some semblance of normalcy at being nonbinary
I hate that i cant be trully happy
Cuz if i am dads upset
If i am, is it even my self being me? Or am i just what the worlds put into me and the real me died however many years ago in 2018 with their mom?
If i feel happy, it makes others upset
If i feel ok, i dont
I dont and its ok
Cuz im used to it
But i dont know
If thats ok
I want to be ok
Or at least know who i am for once
Without spiraling into an identity crisis heh
I dont know where im headed in life
I dont know eho i am
I dont want to have to have my whole life planned by others or by me or by some omnipotent being
I want to exist, maybe be happy eventually
Maybe be ok
But i dont want to end up at the botto. Of a cliff
I cabt do that to my family, they lost my mom already
But I'm ok
And its ok
And it'll be ok
Because everything usually is
Even if i forget myself sometimes, or what i like or even if i gave a personality or talents or anything of worth to the world
Itll be ok