What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
If you are in crisis and need immediate help, please call 1-800-273-8255 (NSPL) or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line). More resources.
My life is so perfect, but for some reason, it feels like something's missing.
1 year ago · 4 · Marital Stress, +4
380
I think I have the perfect life. I went to Harvard and I got a job where I never have to worry financially. I have a husband who loves me (well, platonically) and 7 kids (including my cats) who I wouldn't trade for the world.
I get to wake up every morning and live a luxurious life just because I make millions, not really because I deserve it. Something is so wrong with me. I really don't deserve any of this.
I feel like I'm putting my kids in danger. They deserve to have a mother who is mentally stable. I almost didn't have kids, but then I changed my mind and ended up having four. I love my kids, obviously, but I feel like I'm not "motherly" enough.
That's the problem, I think: I make spontaneous decisions but I want constancy. When I married my husband, I married him as a friend. I didn't "love" love him, I merely got married for the sake of marriage. We've never had a single problem in our entire marriage of 6 years, and I think that's an issue, considering the fact I got married at 19. I think he secretly resents me and just doesn't say anything, but there's really no proof. He's the nicest, most genuine guy I know.
Next week, my husband, kids and I are going to Japan to visit his family for the summer. I feel like I shouldn't go. His entire family is just too kind. I really don't deserve them, either. I know my husband is probably exhausted with my dramatic, depressive episodes, but I just can't help it. That's just how I feel.
Last time I visited my husband's family, I met his brother's fiancée for the first time. I'll call her Aubrey. She doesn't look like me or my husband's family-- she's a green-eyed blonde girl who is always smiling except around me or my sisters-in-law. It's so strange.
She had a lot to say about the women in my husband's family. She called my youngest sister-in-law (20) a whore because she has three kids of different fathers and is not married. Aubrey doesn't know, nor does she care to know, but that sister-in-law was raped two times at 15 and 18, hence her kids having different fathers. The third child was father by her boyfriend-- who she loves but doesn't plan to get married to out of personal preference.
She also made fun of my husband's cousin because she is in poverty. Her husband ran away and left her with their child. She never went to college so she can't secure a well-paying job. My husband and I have been sending her money for the past month, but it's not quite enough for her to get her future together entirely.
Lastly, she called me several slurs, but the only really important thing she said was that I need to stop playing house and start acting more like a human being. I hate listening to people like her, but she's right. It's not good for me to do whatever (I think) I want just because I can.
I think I'll kill myself if I have to see her again. I've been meaning to kill myself for many, many years now, actually, but now I really can't. I have a husband and kids and cats and a house and a job. It's not like I'm very attached to any of these things, but it wouldn't be very elegant for me to go this way, would it?
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
My bf accepted her friend request even when I told him NO
I've already given him a heads up NOT TO ACCEPT IT if she does AND YET HE STILL DID AND HE SEES NOTHING WRONG WITH IT!! I already told him im not comfortable w...
-
Husband doesn't want to look for better work...
We have a baby on the way, i just bought a secondhand car worth $3,000 plus repairs, and we talked about splitting it. he doesn't want to look for a higher sala...
Well, it sounds like you have several things going on here.
I'm a middle aged male, married, have several children (blended family), make a great salary for my area, but we're currently drowning financially through some financial risks we took that didn't pan out. At any rate, just letting you know where I'm coming from here.
It sounds like you have more than you believe you deserve. It's a funny thing for me to dream of such a thing because I've always thought that I'd like to improve my "life status". I can remember being young and poor struggling in an apartment with a friend on a bad side of town. Over time, I worked my way up the career ladder and gotten us to where we are today. We have a nice home, drive nice vehicles, take vacation at least once per year, etc. So many would love to be where I am but, still, I want more. Once I have a salary, I start wondering how I can get a higher salary. Once I have a position, I wonder how I can get a higher position. The list goes on.
And that friend I spoke about. We haven't obviously lived together in quite a long number of years but we're still very much friends and speak often. We don't live close but visit one another as often as we can. He once told me I was living the dream because I had so "much stuff". On the flip side, however, he also has a good salary but has no family so he gets to keep all of his money. That said, he gets to party all the time, he travels more in one year than many will travel in a lifetime, etc. I just think it's easy for us all to think the grass is greener on the other side and not stop to appreciate what we have.
But you actually think you have too much and find that you're not deserving of the things you own and the opportunities you have. You attended Harvard and landed a good job so it sounds to me that you earned your way to your place in life (from a financial perspective anyway) and, for that reason, are very much deserving of what you have.
If you ever felt the desire to do away with some assets, because you still feel like you aren't deserving, you could try making donations to those who are less fortunate. Many people are in despair because they simply didn't care enough to try at life but many, unfortunately, are there because they've simply run into some misfortune - fire, escaping an abusive spouse, serious illness, etc.
I've found, through the years, that I don't typically care too much about where someone lives or how much money they make. I know too many people who are too kind but have little to their name. On the flip side, I've known too many folks with a great amount of wealth, very nice housing, etc. but they make me miserable to visit. Some people are nice, some people are rude. No matter what category they fall into, they can be rich or poor. It sounds like some of his family is very judgmental toward those who may not have as much in life and that's a shame. It sounds like you're not too very interested in visiting with those folks and I certainly can't blame you. If you choose not to go, I think it would be very important that you explain your position. It sounds like it would be easy to justify staying at home.
As you say you have felt the need to kill yourself for the last several years, I think it's really time for you to speak to a specialist. Some folks deal with A LOT and it seems that no matter how hard they try, they keep getting knocked down. Some folks, however, just have a "wiring problem". Mental illness can be very severe and it's likely that you just need to speak to someone about your issues. I think medication masks an existing pain but some folks are in misery for no reason at all. In those instances, medications could certainly help.
Your environment - the house, the husband, the kids - is not making you feel well. It could just be that you need a change of scenery. That could be short term, like a vacation, or long term, like divorce and moving to a new area.
It sounds to me that, at the very least, there are many people out there who love you very much. I think that, at the very least, it would be worth speaking to someone about the way you feel.
I'm just an average guy and I specialize in none of these areas so I hope someone else will be able to provide better feedback but know, deep down, that many of us are out here hoping things will get better for you.
Good Luck!
ReplyThank you so much. This was genuinely very helpful. I think I'll try harder to feel better.
ReplyIt may not be a matter of you trying to feel better. If you aren't feeling well, there could certainly be something wrong. This could be something wrong in your life - family, job, environment, etc. - or something wrong with your mind.
For those who don't have mental issues, or have never had to deal with mental issues through friends/family, it's quite easy to brush these off and not treat them seriously. I think it's easy to do this because you can't see the problem. If you are in a wheelchair and ask someone to hand you a drinking glass from a high shelf, that person can see the ailment and they are quick to offer assistance. If you tell someone there is something wrong with your mental status, however (bi-polar disorder, depression, etc.), they may not be so quick to lend a hand. In fact, they may brush it off entirely, not realizing not only that it's an issue, but that it could be a big one.
I hope one day soon you'll be able to speak with someone who can help you figure this all out. A friend, as well, could be there if nothing else but for the purpose of giving you the opportunity to vent.
Good Luck!
ReplyYou may not be where you want to be, but you are exactly where you need to be.
Whatever your circumstances are, I hope that you find the help that you need.
And in your journey.... may you be more blessed, so that you can continue to be a blessing to many more.
Don't give up... you are so much more 😊
Reply