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6 days ago · · Depression,
Recently life has been meaningless and unfulfilling. From the second my eyes open in the morning im hit with the dread of starting a new day knowing its going to end just as empty as the previous. Each morning that my eyes are met with the painful sunlight a piece of me fades. No motivation whatsoever but still im left desperately scraping every corner of my soul searching for any light. Nothing is the same anymore, the things that once filled me up with joy are now barely bittersweet remnants of what used to be. I wouldn’t consider myself to be depressed because I know that if I tried my life could be whole again but why cant I bring myself to try? My eyes brim with lonely tears because I know that all ive done is lay in my bed and stare out of the window everyday. It isn’t the time to start slacking especially with mocks coming up but the grade 9 plastered on the front of an exam doesn’t fulfull me as much as It used to. And I know I should be worried about those 9’s being replaced by mere 6 and 7’s but I don’t feel anything towards it. Even disappointment is an emotion I cant spare. Im not suicidal. Its not that I don’t want to live but how can I be expected to carry on after everything? I strongly hate everything, even though that same everything is my fault. I hate the way my fate turned out. I hate that theres no one to blame but myself. The problem isn’t that they don’t love me anymore, its that they no longer like me. They no longer like the person ive become because after a while you become what you do. Then theres nothing to catch you but the deep hole you’ve dig for yourself. I cant think of anything worse than being surrounded by people but still feeling alone, being completely engulfed in your sadness. Drowning in anger. No where left to go but down. I want to help myself, I really do but theres a certain comfort in this spiral. A clinical satisfaction in seeing just how unhealthy i can make myself.