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I think I found the switch...the one that turns off everything I feel right now. I've somehow managed to flip the switch and now I just feel numb, but at least I wouldn't say I'm hurting as much anymore. Now I just feel like I'm here but not here, I don't really want to do anything anymore, I can't focus on anything, but the tears have stopped. My heart does not ache anymore, it just feels like it's stopped beating, a bit like it's lost its purpose.
I don't know what to do with myself now. I don't see the point in anything, I don't enjoy anything, I struggle to have a real smile or laugh.
I went out today with the intention of having a nice day out with my kids a little further out than usual. I put fuel in the car drove and listened to music...I drove 60 miles, got to where I had planned and did not even get out of the car before I had decided I just wasn't up for doing anything other than driving. 60 miles back again...120 mile round journey and I was home again, still not happy but it was nice to be able to focus on driving when I can't focus on anything else.
I feel sorry for my kids for having to be around me like this, for missing out on days out because I just can't bring myself to do anything. I know they are too young to understand or notice really, but I feel like such a shitty parent.
Nothing I do ever feels good enough to anyone and I don't think anyone really cares about me. A number of people know I'm struggling at the minute but nobody checks in really. I feel useless, worthless, invisible and damaged.
I miss the light I used to see in the world, I miss the light I used to put into the world. But I don't see or have that anymore, and that's OK for now because at least the pain in my chest isn't there either.
As always, LonelyGirl
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This is worded very well. Relable. When I read this. I feel comforted I’m not alone. It helps me feel less ill. Like there are a few of us who can feel this way. So then. We can’t be crazy. Is it possible to have a fresh start?
ReplyThank you. I wouldn't call it crazy in the slightest and I'm a believer in new beginnings. This may be a low point in my story right now, but there are still many more chapters to be written and hopefully a happy ending at the end. I hope you find your happiness too x
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