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I'm a married man of 40yrs old, no children, at the age of 34 my very normal life changed inexplicably, I was at a festival which I did most years, this year I took my niece with me as it was her 18th birthday present, on the first evening of the festival we watched all the bands and had a great time, made our way back to my truck which we were sleeping in, sometime in the early hours nature called so I got my things and went over to a large wooded area as we were quite a distance from any facilities, I did what I needed to do, as I was just pulling my shorts up i felt a thud in my back then a lot of weight on top of me from what I can make out there was at least 3 of them, after a flurry of fear, aggression and pain the weight was gone, it took me a while to compose myself before I realised I'd just been raped, large amounts of confusion hit me as I again pulled up my shorts I realised I was bleeding slightly, as I addressed the blood I felt the condom still partially inside me, I cleaned myself up still very much in shock I went back to my truck, I never slept, I made an excuse the nest morning that I'd stumbled and hurt my knee so had to cut the festival short for my niece.
I arrived home and said nothing to this day I've never said a word about it I thought I could live with it, that it was just wrong place wrong time and I kinda did for a while but then I started to lose interest in day to day things, I was self employed at the time, I struggled to open importabt letters or make phone calls, I'm in huge debt with taxes I haven't paid not because I didnt want to pay but because my head was elsewhere, it all seemed so unimportant, I've lied to my wife for years saying there's nothing to worry about its all taken care of and I have no doubt she will leave me when it eventually comes out and I can live with her hating me but I can't live with her pitying me for what happened for what caused all this bullshit and stress and constant mind shattering anxiety, I've written her and my mum 3 letters over the years explaining what had happened to me and that I was sorry for not being strong enough to deal with it, luckily I'm still here and they've never had to read them but now it feels different I kinda feels like I've come to the end of the road, all I want is to have a normal life but the thought of the debt and potentially prison and the shame it will bring to them is just destroying me, I don't enjoy anything anymore, I put on the happy smiley face when needed but all I want to do is disappear
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You should now do what you should have done already and that is see a therapist. This has obviously affected you more than you thought it would and has messed up part of your life so tell a therapist this and get the help you need.
ReplyI’m so sorry that happened to you. I really can’t imagine why your wife would leave you if you told her about this? It was beyond your control. I sincerely hope you know that this was NOT your fault. There are few people who can successfully fight 3 men, much less when taken by surprise. I don’t blame you at all. I hope you’re not blaming yourself, either. It might be a good idea to find a therapist you feel comfortable talking to. If you can’t (won’t, or are not ready to) go to a therapist, then confide in your wife. That’s what she’s for. She knows something is up with you. And her imagination is likely running wild with things that are maybe wrong with her as a result of the way you’re behaving. But I’m sure, as wild as her imagination has gone, it has not gotten even close to the truth of what’s really wrong. You have to get this off your chest so you can start moving forward to heal. They took something from you that night, don’t let them take your whole life. Those disgusting cowards don’t deserve to have that much power over you. They never did. Please don’t let them win. You are still a man.
ReplyI am very shocked. I never imagined... I won't say much. When you are depressed, no matter what pretty words people tell you, it's not enough. They can't trigger the switch. However you can. Just like I have been trying, you can keep extending your arm towards it. As long as you don't let your arm fall and keep crawling, eventually... Eventually, you will reach the switch and turn the light on.
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