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I feel so twitchy, so emotional, so confused.
I wonder what is wrong with me.
Why do I feel so useless, unmotivated, hateful, suicidal?
My hair is dirty. So is my body.
My bed, pillow, covers, sheets are dirty, yet I sleep in it.
My stomach is empty and I know what to cook. Yet I don't move from the bed.
My dishes and laundry is piling yet I still don't leave the bed.
My floor is dirty, my plant is dying, my books are dusty.
Yet I still don't leave the bed.
Sometimes, I wonder if I can just close my eyes and never wake up again.
Stop existing just like that. No thoughts, no emotions, no consciousness.
Does living feel tiring only for me?
I feel like everything is so meaningless.
No matter what I achieve, in the end, I can neither decide when nor how I die. I can't escape death.
I can't bring anything with me when I die.
Why do we exist? Why do we have to be here?
Did Mother Earth create us to sustain herself?
No matter whether you are sociable or a hikkikomori, in the end you leave this world alone. Just like you came.
When I discovered that I had pluto in the 12th, I thought... What did I think?
I don't remember. But I feel like it makes sense. If only it was anywhere else instead of the most useless place for it to be. Maybe I would be different.
When I think about the future I feel so anxious. I have so many concerns.
Will I ever find anyone who can love me sincerely? Can I lower the 100 meters high walls around my heart and let anybody in?
My body... My health...
The difference in beliefs between my loved ones and me... The mask, the hypocrisy, the lies, the deceptions...
When did I turn into this?
I used to be so different. So confident.
I looked down on others who didn't work as hard as me and yet dared to complain when they reaped what they sowed. And now...
But maybe, my though exterior had already begun cracking back then.
After all, the strong one had never been me...
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You need to get into your shower and wash yourself all over, then wash all of your bedding, wash the dishes and cook yourself some food. Get up and don't be so dirty and lazy. Do dusting and wash the floor.
ReplyI'm sorry for what's you're going through. I really am.
It might seem cliche, but it's true that we all have good and bad days. However, sometimes the bad days find a way to our mind and end up consuming everything there, until there's nothing but a void. But, what if I tell you that this "void" is only a blanket covering your beautiful mind? It's just sleeping, so you need to wake it up! How? Moving a bit, taking small step by small step. By step I'm saying redoing some essential things in your life, such as eating, taking a shower, cleaning around you etc. Taking care of yourself!
Maybe it can be hard in the beginning, but by the process, you'll see how good those little things are to you!
Also, if you really want help, you should search for it. You can start talking with someone close to you, someone you know you can trust. Divide a burden makes it lighter. <3
ReplyWow I love your writing it’s so good and you are really good at writing your emotions out I feel like you are such a good communicator. I guess that what you said is true that we all are going to die someday or another. But I feel now that it’s not about dieting or what will happen when we died because were all going to the same place anyways. It’s about how you get to the end and what you did IN your life. And it’s about treating yourself well first and experiencing for yourself
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