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To who was once my best friend,
Do you still think of me? It’s funny how we’re not even physically apart and somehow you’ve gotten distant. I don’t think you’ve tried to stray away from me, but then again, when have you ever tried anything in our relationship?
Seeing you now, from a distance, someone so different from the you I knew years ago—the you that was like me— I can finally see why it’s always been just me who’s been hurt. I can finally see that our friendship has been one-sided since the beginning. It’s always been me wanting to be with you, and although you always said our feelings were mutual, did you ever truly mean it? I don’t think you’re a liar, but I wonder if you truly are just not aware of the pain you cause me.
It’s always me who texts you first. It’s me who invites you out. It’s me who calls you my best friend but never the other way around. And it’s always me who is hurt when you don’t talk to me if I don’t talk first. It’s me who is hurt when you don’t ask me anything in return when I ask “how was your day”. It’s me who is hurt when I see you doing fun things and you never tell me about it beyond a public post on Instagram. And I am certain it is only me who feels a fool for ever thinking this friendship was forever.
Talking to you now feels like talking to a stranger. Not that I don’t know your ins and outs, no, rather, you’ve evolved past me so that I feel anxious and intimidated by you. I have gotten worse while you have gotten better and you are too involved in yourself to notice the pain that I am in. If I told you that I attempted suicide not long ago, would you even care? I ask you how you are, what you’ve been up to, and you never ask me anything. I doubt you’ll ever figure out that it happened if our other friend doesn’t tell you.
I still love you, despite it all. Even though talking to you now feels intimidating and it doesn’t feel like me and you anymore. Even though you and I haven’t talked in months now. We’ve never argued but maybe that was just because you never cared enough and I was too afraid to lose my best friend. Well, I seem to have lost you now and although I know it’s probably for the best and you aren’t feeling a thing, I feel like I’m falling apart. I love you and I miss you, but I don’t know if I want you back because I don’t think I’ve ever been good enough for you and I’m tired of you hurting me.
I’ll probably commit suicide sometime soon and hopefully by then, I’ll be even less than an afterthought and our nine years will be forgotten by you entirely. You’ll never even have to know.
Yours,
Someone who needs to drink water bc crying makes you dehydrated :(
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