Healing, but still broken.

Hello fellow anonymous or people,

I just want to know what I should do with my emotions? My head is so full of stress 24/7 and I just can’t seem to forget the person I left. Yes, I broke up with my ldr ex-bf and who was older than me because I felt like an option and many more.

Here’s the story:

I met this guy on an online game and we became friends and started talking to each other more in January. Since I’m very naive, I never thought about why this guy was sort of being a flirt with me. I only thought that maybe he liked me. So In Feb. after valentine, I confessed my feelings and he told me that he wanted to try more than friends and also wants me to stay forever by his side even if we become friends only (because I was planning on leaving after confessing, but I stayed). A BIG FUCKING MISTAKE. This happened to me before in the past, but I feel like I never learned.

Anyways, so I began my stalking, getting to know him more a little better, until I saw his twitter account. At first, it wasn’t concerning until I saw him liking this two specific people’(one same as my age, one same as his age) posts and retweeting and all that shit. I’m okay with him supporting these women or girls, but since I’m still a work in progress with my insecurity, and my maturity, I opened up to him about my concerns in regards to the situation. He did lessened the times he would like or reply to their tweets, which is helping our relationship to be a little more stronger.

Starting from May to June, things just keep heating up between us and I’m always the one to open up my feelings and deciding to leave, however I couldn’t do it because I loved him and wanted to be with him forever. He never opens up to me about his feelings or anything, which I understand. 4 days ago, I broke up with him after he became distant with me and started saying he’s been “busy”. I didn’t buy it as much, because there are times where I would caught him playing games by himself and I would join him secretly and sometimes witness him lightly flirting to girls. So yeah, I also stalked his twitter again before we broke up and saw him acting all cute to this woman whom he’d been interacting with. So I guess that’s where I burst out all my emotions and wants to respect my heart, because it’s been a fucking journey with him. Many sleepless nights because I would cry overthinking, and just a very confusing relationship. I loved him so much and gave him all the love I can give. I was very loyal to him only, been giving him attention and all that and yet I’m still the one feeling guilty and sad and broken hearted for leaving him.

There’s a part of me that wants to move on and be one of those inspirational rich women, however there’s also the simple me who wants to keep loving but it’s choosing him. And I’ve been trying not to cry these days and keep healing myself because I’ve been through similar situation like this(for a year) that’s why it’s a bit easier to control my emotions now.

What do I do? I feel like I keep stalking him, manifesting him to communicate with me (since I blocked him) and thinking to myself why he doesn’t feel like affected. But I really felt like I was just used and got played. And it hurts so much…I have no one to talk to, nor share my feelings with. I’m not a very socialize person either, and I’ve never go out that much or exposed myself to the sun that’s why it feels like hope is gone for me. I feel so drained and crazy. Like I would feel confident without him and then moments later I’ll cry out of nowhere. I’m trying to learn a lot from my mistakes so I wouldn’t have to go through the same bullshits again in the future. (Please excuse my language, thank you…)

I’m 17 by the way and he’s 22.

Also, I’m still learning english so pardon me if some of the sentences or paragraphs aren’t making any sense.