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Found the letter I wrote moments before I turned 18
2 months ago · · writing,
I'm soon to be eighteen.
It's not a very big deal actually, but it feels as it should be. It's not really, but it is a reminder that I'm not very fond of. I keep growing and I'm scared.
18, it feels as if I should know at least something by now. 18, just a reminder of the life that has yet to come; a life that really terrifies me, a life that I'm not even sure I want. As of tomorrow I will be a legal adult (which is not really the point), what scares me is the thought of not being able to stop. Even if just for a little bit I would love to stop time, stop growing.
I don´t want anything that reminds me that as as time passes by there will be more responsibilities coming. The thought of adulthood scares me. Even though I am yet so far, I hate this reminder. The reminder that I will have to fend for myself, take care of myself when really, I just feel so small, so fragile to the point I feel I could break at any moment.
I hate this reminder because it makes me feel scared of the thought of losing what I now have; just this mass of intense and sometimes exhausting emotions and sensations. I fear not being able to enjoy the little things that this day overwhelm me with their beauty. I fear not being able to feel the same in a quiet morning where the sound of birds outside my window and leaves falling of the trees are all that run through my mind, to just leave a warm and deep feeling of love.
I am scared, at the thought of missing my childhood even more.
Times that are long gone, but tomorrow is just a reminder that I'm getting even further away.
I am mad, I am sad, I am scared, I am insecure for this reminder. But it makes me feel better knowing that I now feel this way and get to experience my loss as intense and tragic as it seems to me right now. The loss of an innocence that was already long gone and becoming more distant. All this feelings have me overwhelmed, mostly becuse I am scared of losing them.
I am scared of becoming numb.
So, I take it all out on this little reminder that is forcing me to grow up.
I am soon to be eighteen, and it just reminded me that I know so little of what has been and absolutely nothing of what has yet to be.
I am soon to be eighteen. I am little and unexperienced, so now I fear.