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Old and new cptsd. New anxiety. Old depression. But now most of my old friends are dead. I feel so cut off. I want to be social but the anxiety and everything makes every single time I try to meet someone feel like a super difficult thing. I hope I can meet people and become social. I pray and pray to just be normal and be able to talk and interact and to have a chance to be engaged with other humans. I wish I could afford therapy. I would cherish that. I don't even know what to do. It gets so bad and hopeless and scary sometimes. I feel like I suffered so much for nothing. Like maybe God just doesn't like me or something. And at those times when I'm most alone, I start to think about suicide and death. And all I want is to be ok. I wish I had normal social experiences. But with a dark dysfunctional childhood behind me, I never got the stuff other kids got, I never learned so much that kids from loving families must take for granted. If you're reading this and you have good human social experiences and friends and lovers, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry but I honestly envy you so much. I don't have you. I don't wish to take it from you. I just envy you. I just wish I could tell one ordinary person how lucky they really are.
If you have family who love you at all, you're so lucky!
If you have good friends who support you, you are so lucky!
If you have positive experiences of romance at all, you are so lucky!
If you have anyone in your life at all who will listen to you without judgement, ohmy God, that's amazing! You're so lucky!
Please if you have this stuff, the basic social stuff and a life that let you have a mind that works with you instead of against you, please remember to be grateful for it. Please try to be grateful for it.
I feel like I could give the whole rest of my life to fixing myself and not get very far. I have no social support in my life. I have no one that I can even share my thoughts with at all. And it's awful, because work is exhausting and unsatisfying and just makes me even more isolated. And it's all I got but it doesn't pay enough that I could ever get mental healthcare.
I feel like the whole world doesn't even want me here,
It all seems so hopeless and impossible to fix.
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First of all, you are a beautiful person for reminding those with these connections to cherish them. You are incredibly kind for being happy for those with these gifts. We need people like you on our planet, your kindness and your existence make this world a better place.
It is unfair that life has dealt you a particularly challenging hand. It is difficult to overcome trauma, especially when it is for trauma formed in childhood. But please know that even though it is difficult it is not impossible. You have within you the power and the control to take back your life.
I want to ask you to find a picture of your childhood self right now (stop reading please)- if you don't have a physical one imagine yourself as a child. In that picture you are innocent. In that picture is a child that needs love, that needs protection, that needs nurturing. When you were little, that child in the picture may not have received those vital things necessary to developing a healthy view of the world. And now I must beg you. You must protect that child, you have a duty to give everything to that child that was not given to them before. You are that being. Beneath all the pain and trauma you have endured in your life is a child ready to be loved. And you must love it. You must pick up where your parents have failed. Finish raising yourself, be the person that you needed when you were young and needed help. It is not too late. It is within your power. Do not give up on the little being that was once you and once looked at the world as a thing of beautiful. It still lives within you.
As for making connections it might be worthwhile to find a cptsd support group where you can meet people with a similar understanding of the disorder - perhaps you may find some fulfilling connections. That could be a start. Do not give up. Do not give up. There are people out there undergoing the same experiences as you. There are people out there thinking the same things, wishing for the same connections. Do not give up. People are out there for you.
Here are some meditation videos that I really recommend for beginning to heal that have provided me with therapy for free. Give them a shot if you are open! Good luck beautiful stranger, I am here on this part of the earth rooting for you. You are needed on this planet, I want you here. Please keep going.
https://youtu.be/9eOtILWmn0A AND https://youtu.be/5Za1RZWmnYA (all of his videos are great especially the self-improvement playlist these are the two I highly recommend)
https://youtu.be/WXzreQ7Svo0 (check out her content for videos related to healing childhood trauma)
ReplyIn my country, we have lots of health programs for free and even if they aren't the best, sometimes they can help people. I would suggest trying to look for those in your city too!
All of us who struggle with social anxiety are with you on this and we wish you all the best <3
ReplyFirst off---you matter---no matter how unheard you may feel!! Have you tried getting insurance through your state? Even if you can't get that look up help lines for mental health---they may have ideas! DO NOT GIVE UP---you deserve to be here!
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