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Broken or shattered which am I? I feel as if there's no end to the suffering. I'm at a loss for words. I keep a diary in my head of all the things I wish I could get out there to people. Thinking if only they knew this or that. Trauma has lived my life for me for so long I dont know how to take back control. I wake up hurting, I go to sleep hurting. I zone out alot, I get quiet and overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings that I cant control but they stay connected to my anxiety causing a heavy heavy toll. I want better but dont know how to get better. Our minds are all different but mine feels out of this world. I'm pregnant with a boy and want the best for him but I have nothing and feel I am nothing. My self worth is no where to be found. Dropped out for my own sad reasons but everyone sees me as just the dropout. When little did they know I was fighting the biggest battle of my life deciding whether to stay or go. I've face many hardships, I've cried so many tears ever since I was 7. Because that's when it all started. My parents divorcing was the start of unimaginable things to come. Trauma lives in me, controls me, and dictates my life. Many people dont understand or wont. Writting this feels useless because I know it wont change anything. I'm so confused and lost but arent we all. It feels like I've been falling for awhile now not sure how to land. Am I broken? Or am I shattered? Or does it really even matter ?
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Honey, I feel this, I feel the same as you, I know this doesn't fix it, but you're not alone. Let people judge you, let them squash they're bugs, you may not be scratch free, but be the role model of "I made it though so much, you can too" For you're son, my mom was the same as you when she had me, and I can tell you, you can do this, you've just gotta get up, dust yourself off, see a therapist and do the work to set up a good life for your son. I can tell you that he's gonna love you for it. Stay strong, you've got this!<3
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