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I honestly believe my problem was falling for a man that had just come out of a failed marriage due to his own fault. I have never been married I always wished that someone would find value in me and I believed it was him. I know he truly loves me but it’s so exhausting to try and compete with his past. He cheated on my right from the beginning, he would always remind me to be truthful how he was a man of his word and truth was so important to him not like me. It was funny because I look back now and every time he reminds me how important truth is for him It always takes me back to the beginning, why were you not truthful then. He ran his desired course until he couldn’t take it anymore and he finally decided he wanted to have a good family with me. So what did he do the first year of marriage he had to tell me he cheated on me. It was at that moment that the only hope and worth left in me was gone. Till this day I don’t have an answer to why he did it. It wasn’t because he wasn’t attracted to me or because I was a bad wife. I remember every-time i would make dinner I was so excited to see him come home after a long hard day of work so I could show him how much I appreciate him. But he was never hungry or he was goin To stay late at his friends. So I wouldn’t want to be that nagging wife and I would act like I was ok and be like, ok love. I didn’t want to seem needy. I would cry in the room until he got home. I would find glitter on his face constantly but never put it together until later. This is a crushing feeling ppl the images that go through my head when I think of where his been. No one can really understand. A covenant was broken one that I thought I was worthy of🥺 but I have learned that no one is worthy of anything we just really have to live and move on. It’s been 6 urs and I have healed a little I’m able to control what once would make me go of the wall. But the memories are still there and those I will take till my dying breath. I believe that it’s better to be alone than with this. He reminds me every day why his life is like this now because in the past he had a relationship with God like no other and he destroyed that with all his backsliding. So it makes me feel like I’m just not good enough for him I can’t compare with his past. His past was a place where he was something where he did things for God, now he can’t hear from him and the way he serves God is not enough for him. Imagine being me thinking God has blessed me with a wonderful man that loves him and truly loves me I’m a blessed wife beyond believe. While your husband keeps reminiscing on his wonderful past. Instead of focusing on the new promises God gave him the new start so he can do something amazing and wonderful with. A wife that desires the same but only to be reminded that if it wasn’t his past this future has no value. I hope I make sense to someone and I know I’m wrong and offended as a wife. And every day I am working on my offense because the last thing I want to do is give up on Gods promises and a good future. It only seems now that maybe I’m holding on to a man that will never let go of his past and fears and my good future may or may not be with him. I remind anyone that reads my words that I have been struggling with all this for the past 6-7years since the first year he came out and told me the truth of his infidelity and why he did all this is because of his failure with God and he wanted to destroy our marriage along the way. So why then ask me to marry you?
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