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I can't write, How could I? I spent hours watching some random anime, I feel lost and empty, I haven't written for days without wondering, "If it'll work?" "Would they get it?" I can't talk about it to anyone. Why would they get it? I'm writing some random fan fic to them, something that wouldn't give them any reason to care. Same thing with my art!! I've had art block for 4 nights! Or what feels like 4 nights. I've not been able to sleep for almost 2 months, but that's my fault I guess. I could sit and talk to someone, anyone, but who'd listen to my rant about my problems, for free since I'm a student, a broke student. I have no reason to go to therapy, I'm not suicidal, not thinking poorly about myself, I haven't. Not in months, I've been indoors mostly so I guess that could be why, I haven't left the house since my family's visit, but that's since my mom has us focused on moving, but I'm not completely prepared for that, I don't think that the move is what she wants, she wants my dad home, but being home doesn't pay the bills, neither does listening to my insane grandmother's political and homophobic rants every night, so I guess she's just trying to find a solution to the ones that she can control. I just want to sit and go to college, and have a partner that I could introduce to my mother since my father really wouldn't care if I did bring someone home, he's gone all the time. I tell my friends this so often. "He's only here once a year for about a month at most," they seem to think I'm joking sometimes, teenage angst moment, but I'm not mostly. I feel so disconnected from him. We only ever really talk for about five minutes at most, and when we do it's so awkward. I mean how do you talk to someone that you're supposed to know when the reality is they've been gone from your life since 3rd grade. How? I know he's been there, I know he has. But it just feels so weird, and awkward, we only really have talked about anime, nothing else. And most conversations I've had with him besides that were always taken over by my mom, and he just sat back and let it happen. I know I didn't help with asking him for assistance but I want that again. I want to have that conversation with him again. I want to have those conversations like my siblings even my younger brother had that kind of moment, he taught him how to shave, but he never taught me anything like that. I never got that daddy, daughter time, I haven't had that time since I was in the 5th grade at most. He's been gone for so long and only been home for such a short time in between it's hard to even remember moments we had just us. I feel like I'm being spoiled for wanting that time back. Greedy even. I think I am, I mean when he was home most recently, I wanted to spend quality time with him, but I just couldn't bring myself to ask. Even when he had time. It felt wrong, selfish to ask for it. Since he and my mom have been missing each other just as much. I know it's wrong to ask for that. The personal time that they share is precious and I'm not going to be the one to separate them for something so childish. Sometimes I wish I did. Other times, I wish it was with her since we don't spend time just us like that. I don't think we do. But then again I ruined that. I did something so stupid and so idiotic that ruined what we had. And it was over such a stupid naivete that I still blame myself for. I wish that we could go back to that sometimes, I wish I could undo what I did. But sometimes I don't, what I did was out of a pain that hurt, I felt so alone, even in a room that always had someone in it. I felt alone and silenced, even with what I did I let her know that I felt something bad, she doesn't think it like that, I'm sure. She probably thinks I'm something like a broken vase, just cracks over that beautiful relationship we had. But that's fine. She's not wrong for thinking it. I broke that trust, she broke mine. She didn't see the signs, she didn't hear the sobs, or maybe she did. That's the thought that hurts me the most, maybe she did, but she didn't know what to do, she didn't know how to react. I wish she did, but looking back I guess I'm glad she didn't, I wouldn't have learned what a predator was, I wouldn't have learned what a toxic relationship was, I wouldn't have learned what the feeling of a suicide attempt was. How it felt. Which is knowledge I'll know. How it felt to feel like you couldn't even tell your own family what it was like, to be violated of your own mind, heart, and faith. I now do. The older siblings know. My youngest sibling is smart but I'm not sure to tell him yet. He does deserve to know, he was there the entire time, suffering with me in his own way. Maybe when he gets a bit older I'll tell him. Tell him how his sister was targeted, groomed, and almost agreed to meet her monster. I'm not sure how but this helped, even going over the 5-minute mark by quite a bit but it's helped me with this rant. I just stopped crying, my nose is dry. And it's only 6 in the morning. I have to stay up for a good 5 more hours then talk to some college people in another part of the country but that's fine. I'll be fine, smile through the day with the demons in your heart, find a way to speak their language, and get through it, I guess :D.
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Hey hey hey buddy i understand you think people don't care or they never listen to you but there are random people like me who wish to listen because they have been through it and know how hard it is to keep everything inside and never let it out..
If you ever wanna talk anything again remember we are here.
Hey if you wanna talk to me you can have my snap it's mills_098654.. take care
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