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I used to think I could only love other females. All through elementary and middle school, my crushes have been girls and girls alone. I've never thought a guy was attractive before. Actually, around men, I get jittery and nervous and scared and I want to burst into tears, even if I "trust" that man. It's not in a good way (obviously, I should think, but for some reason I have to clarify.)
Last summer I got pretty in a way. I was at a healthy weight before, but I developed a disease/condition that made me pale and extremely thin. Before, my skin was a darkish olive, but now I'm definitely "white-passing." It doesn't really hurt me, the condition. I always feel dizzy and lightheaded. Small movements give me side stitches. It's not severe, though. There's a really simple cure, but it doesn't work for me. But it's okay.
Nobody really noticed I got pretty, so maybe I didn't actually get pretty. I felt better about myself, though, because then I felt like the white girls at my school (I'm half Arab-half Korean.) I had skinny thighs like them and a small white face like them. They take these things for granted but they don't realize how happy it made me. That's also okay.
At school, I'm known for two things-- being excruciatingly quiet and shy and being smart. I get good grades and have neat handwriting and my teachers all like me, so it doesn't bother me that I haven't had friends since fifth grade. I know I should probably change that, but it's a lot harder than it looks. I'm trying. I was friends with an extremely nice upperclassman this year for four months consistently, but now that summer's here, I can't see her.
Anyway, I'm getting too far from my point here now. My crush that, now, is burning with a passion, but will probably fade after a week.
There was this guy in my science class who I started liking in the last month of school. I'll call him A because no fake name I can think of really suits him. A is in my math class, too, but I only like him in my science class. That sounds weird, but I think it makes some sense.
Most high school boys are, well, high school boys. Those athletic badmouthed types who drive fancy white cars the second they turn 16. I don't like them one bit. They drive me crazy. Once one of them talked to me, and I considered changing to an all girls' school.
Anyway, I'm rambling again. A is just barely shorter than me. He's half-Korean, half-Japanese. I only know that because his older sister used to ride the same bus as me. I've never spoken to A. Or maybe I have? If I have, I suppose it wasn't a very worthwhile conversation. Anything I know about him is from his older sister, probably.
A is that diligent-studious type. He's like me in that sense, and probably that sense only. He knows the answers to all the questions-- we have that in common. The only difference is that he actually answers them. I like to pretend that all the teachers already know I know the answer.
He's quiet, too. But not shy like me. Those are two completely different things. He has friends. I've seen them with my own two eyes. He also has a life, probably. And a personality, maybe.
Earlier this school year I was trying to form a "school" personality. I need to separate my home self and my school self because they just don't mix. Anyway, I decided to join a bunch of after school clubs and see if I liked any one of them. First, I joined an art club. I like art and drawing. I'd say I'm good at it too. It was a terrible club though. No structure, and everyone was first-years. Which isn't bad, I just expected to see more sophomores and juniors.
Then I joined several other clubs that I hated. They just weren't me. So I quit them all and finally joined a club that organizes fundraisers, does some work around the school, visits and manages other clubs, etc. It was very me. I liked it. It was the only club you had to sign up and apply for and get accepted in, since there was a limit to the amount of people that could be in the club and they were only looking for smart, responsible students.
Why am I telling you this? Perhaps A and I were in that club together and my crush blossomed there? No. My life is not a romance novel. It's much simpler.
The printer in the Newspaper Club (which I also joined at one point!) ran out of papers and some members of my club were running errands for them. So they sent me up to the library to go get some, and I did. Then I saw my nice senior friend in the library with her friend (they're in running and volleyball club, respectively) and she looked like she was just about to leave. But she saw me and said she was passing the Newspaper Club anyway and would bring them there for me. And I said she didn't have to, but she did anyway. I didn't want to go back to the Newspaper Club room right after my friend went there because I didn't want to look lazy, so instead I went to the courtyard. The library is on the third floor, and the Newspaper Club is on the first, so they definitely saw me going to the courtyard instead. I was so scared for my reputation as smart-responsible girl. In reality, nobody cared (obviously.)
Anyway, I went to the courtyard and sat down under a tree for that "aesthetic vibe." I pulled out a book, specifically Crime and Punishment, to look smarter. I saved a very tiny half of a very tiny turkey sandwich that my science teacher gave to me on a STEM field trip, so I took that out and ate it. And guess what! The courtyard is outside! Do you know what else is outside? That's right-- the tennis club! And guess who's in the tennis club? A, obviously.
So I sat there under the tree with my depleting turkey sandwich and barely-read book watching A. I never thought tennis was a particularly attractive sport, but I did think it was one of the only two fun sports, alongside volleyball. The only attractive part of A playing tennis was how hard he hit the ball. At first it scared me. Then I began to laugh for no real reason. Luckily, my laughs contain no noise so he didn't see me.
This whole ordeal lasted about 5 minutes, really, but my writing drags it out with useless information. I reported back to the Newspaper Club, and that was that.
That wasn't even how I noticed I liked A, either. Remember when I mentioned I only like him in science class, not math class? On the second to last day of school, our science teacher handed back our notebooks to look through. They had our test grades and stuff like that. Nothing particularly interesting. Then he said to give our notebooks to A when we were done with them, because my school, while prestigious in a very small region, operates on a kindergarten basis.
So I rushed to give my notebook to A first! I felt like I had to! But even as I made a whole show of prancing out of my chair to give my notebook to him without even so much as flipping through the pages before handing it in (A sat directly behind me,) that girl Chloe who sat right beside him got there first. I was melancholy. What would even happen if I handed it in first? Would he suddenly become enamored by my beauty and fall head-over-heels for me, yanking out a wedding ring that was conveniently stored in his pocket in a uncalled yet utterly graceful fashion and present it to none other than... me? No, of course not. I'm not some hopeless romantic. I didn't expect anything.
And to add onto that, I never really wanted A to reciprocate my feelings. I never want to date anyone, although being in love (real love, not whatever this is) sounds beautiful. Liking A was fun, though it lasted only two or three weeks. Maybe I'll still like A next year, though that sounds improbable. My emotions die in solitude. Though none of my other crushes were like this. When I liked Sofia from P.E., I bloomed under her praise and died at her critiques. But it wasn't quite like this. I'm not very good at organizing my thoughts, as you can tell. There's a lot more I'd like to say, but I can't find the right place to fit it in. That's why this is getting to be so long.
Maybe you'll have enjoyed reading this, though I'm doubtful. This is just a teenage girl rambling about her crush. But that premise does sound entertaining to some extent. If you have any thoughts, please share them. I'll be eternally grateful that you even stumbled upon this drabble.
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Don’t worry. It’s okay to not be sure
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