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I’ve been debating venting for a while. I would typically go to my friend for this, but my thoughts are so incoherent, and I just don’t want to bother her. But yeah. I found this website and I figured this would be the best place to go. Sorry if this is long. And if I jump between topics too quickly.
Tldr: Life sucks and my mental health and relationships are getting worse. The only comfort I can find is through the internet and I feel like I'm barely holding on but I can't tell if I want to keep holding on or let go.
I’ve been really fucking tired of life recently. I thought I was doing better but I can feel my mental state deteriorating. I’m diagnosed for anxiety, and I’ve been going to a therapist for it. I’ve seen her a couple times and all the questions she asks; I have to make sure I’m telling as much of the truth as I can. I can’t necessarily tell her the truth when she asks me about self-harm and suicide. Not with my mom in the room. Hell, if I did say anything about that she’s legally required to tell someone. I’ve been trying to tell her the truth, but I have to watch what I say every time. It really says something about it all when I feel more comfortable sharing my experiences on the internet than I do with my fucking therapist. So, let’s see. I can’t make eye contact with anyone, I can’t make even the smallest decisions, I cry when someone raises their voice at me, I constantly feel guilty for everything, even if I haven’t done anything wrong. I overthink everything and struggle with intrusive thoughts. I struggle with my appearance, and it becomes worse every time I look in the mirror. Every time my parents make a comment talking about how “You should at least be going for walks,” or say, “How hungry/thirsty were you?” or “Slow down,” when I’m eating or drinking. And it probably has no correlation with my weight but then I dread stepping on the scale, and I realize for how short I am, I am close to overweight. And then my extended family tells me about how skinny I am, and I feel like they’re lying to my face. Not to mention the fact that I don’t recognize myself. Dysphoria can be overwhelming and like a liar I said I was fine with how I looked. I wish my chest and period could disappear. That I could use my actual name and not the one I was born with. I wish I could look how I wanted to. And I could feel like my body and myself weren’t two separate things. Y’know? What else is there? When I was diagnosed with anxiety the doctor told me he didn’t I needed to take the thing for depression because, “I don’t feel like you have depression.” Everything I’ve read for depression suggests I have it. But who am I to question what the doctor says? Let’s just ignore how shitty and tired and fucking done with life I feel every day. I’ve been having a hard time sleeping. I can’t relax at all. Maybe that's my fault for sitting on my computer all day instead of wearing myself out and actually being productive. I thought I was doing better without the stress of school, but I’ve been feeling so much worse, and it’s been a struggle. Friends have been hard for me recently. Wait that sounds wrong. You know what I mean though. I care about my friends so much, but it can be so mentally draining. Side note, I had a friend who I wasn’t super close to but who I cared about. They went to a mental hospital. I didn’t get the chance to see them before they left or get their number. And their brother mentioned something about their family moving. Meaning I may have lost a friend. A friend that I cared about. A friend who could kill or hurt themselves at any time. Well, I guess that applies to a lot of my friends. They could be dead right now and I wouldn’t know. I care so much about them, but I don't want to hurt them. I don’t want to make them uncomfortable. Really with everything the only thing that's been bringing me comfort are people online that I’ve never talked to. A community that makes me feel okay. And my music. It’s really sad that my family doesn't even know how to help (and can make things worse). I feel like I’m holding on by a thread and idk. Just… life. Yknow? I wanted to write about a lot more, but I just can’t. Sorry, this was long though but yeah... I just needed to get at least some of it out.
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Hello to whoever wrote this. You may not believe me when I say this but I often feel as you do. I want you to know that you are not alone in this and if you need to talk I’m here. I’m so glad that you were able to find a place to vent and I pray that you will find peace in your depression. I would love to talk to you and help you through this. Wishing you the best ❤️
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-person who wrote this
ReplyYou are not alone. Many humans feel this way.
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