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Recently, I was doing some research for a piece of fiction that I’m writing. Mental illness features heavily in this piece, as it contributes massively towards the characters acting the way they do. It’s sympathetic and realistic, though - the main character has things that I personally suffer from, so we’re coming at this topic from a place of depth and understanding.
My characters love interest has ADHD and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This is a vital part of his character, just like his sense of humour or the way he walks.
I was trying to find information about what it’s like to live with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, from the perspective of the person who actually has the disorder. Instead, what I got was pages and pages of articles, demonising people that the writers clearly had no idea about. Their perspectives of these real people actually felt more two-dimensional and fictional than my character! The worst part is, those judgemental bullies that write these articles have the nerve to call themselves ‘Empaths’!
There’s a huge misconception when it comes to Narcissistic Personality Disorder, along with this weird current trend of calling every abusive/bigoted/annoying person a Narcissist. There’s this idea that suffering from a disorder, and showing symptoms of this illness, makes a human being inherently ‘bad’ or ‘not worth the effort’.
When I did actually find written accounts from people with this disorder, the main theme they all had in common was self-loathing. They saw themselves as ‘not good enough’, and they were surrounded by people who believed them to be natural abusers because of a condition that they couldn’t help having.
Here’s some actual, helpful information when it comes to understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
It often starts with a child, who gets in trouble often and unfairly, due to something they can’t control (e.g. a different undiagnosed mental illness). They feel like they can’t get anything right, but they desperately want to impress the people around them. Love and understanding is missing somewhere else in their life. They feel like, if they just try hard enough, they can earn the sympathy and love and recognition that every child should deserve, no matter what. Over time, they learn to mask themself and manipulate people, changing their surroundings to try and give themself everything that they couldn’t get when they were younger. The body tries to heal itself in any way it can. The brain wants to survive. When our Narcissist grows up, the resulting adult may have fixations on certain people that they desperately want to please. They will seek validation from other people, and have very little self-worth. Without this external validation, our narcissist falls apart. Even worse, if the object of their fixation goes on to reject or disrespect them, our Narcissist will either explode or break. They don’t have a solid emotional foundation to fall back on, and so they spiral. Many people with this disorder describe an ‘emotional rollercoaster’ where the lows keep getting lower and the highs keep getting less attainable. They have to do increasingly dramatic things in order to feel the slightest bit of happiness. This desperation is what leads to the more extreme, manipulative behaviours (which, yes, can spiral out of control and turn into abuse - BUT, more likely, will just cause other people to turn on them and leave the Narcissist isolated and a thousand times worse than before).
I’m not saying Narcissists are innocent and incapable of wrongdoing. What I am saying is, they are humans suffering from a disorder. They deserve a greater level of understanding than they currently get. They need treatment and help. Nothing is black and white, especially with mental health. There needs to be a greater level of nuance in the way that these topics are discussed.
How is anyone supposed to get better when they’re branded as a villain wherever they look, and they see themself as a bad person too? Where can they turn when there’s hatred on all sides?
When Narcissus looked into the water, what did he see? What was he feeling as he drowned? Was something holding him under?
-signed, a person who actually has empathy and makes a choice to be compassionate, and would never call myself a goddamn Empath because I don’t think I’m better than anyone else
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People shun Narcissists, or people displaying these traits, because they want to avoid being victims of abuse, or they have been, and are processing the trauma. It’s fair enough.
Whilst there are just people who are full of themselves which in popular usage would have been a narcissist in the past, there is now not really much nuance about how people use the word. So, ‘my ex was a narcissist’ could mean anything from ‘my ex was full of himself’ to ‘my ex was selfish and inconsiderate’ to ‘my ex suffered from this psychological disorder which makes him naturally prone to using and abusing people’. The last thing is obviously most serious.
ReplyIt’s not fair to shun people purely for having an illness. Having a disorder doesn’t mean you’re inherently abusive (although I guess it’s comparable to how some people shun men out of fear of being abused, even though not all men are abusive). Not entirely disagreeing with you, but just..I think NPD is blamed too often, armchair diagnosis type thing, n that makes the stigma worse for sufferers.
And yeah, the double meaning is just harmful whatever way you look at it. I kinda think NPD should have a different name, because it h everything to do with self loathing am very little to do with vanity.
ReplyYeah maybe it should have a different name. But it is comforting for victims of abuse to be able to find a name and an explanation to be able to deal with it once they realise they’ve been had (after doubting their own sanity and going through trauma). I’m not saying people with NPD should be shunned from society and deserve no sympathy but it’s natural their victims don’t want to engage with them.
ReplyWho say their abuser actually had NPD, and wasn’t just a garbage person?
Abusers can just be abusers, no mental illness or other labels needed
ReplyIt’s possible, and maybe it is an overused term and a way of scapegoating exes. However, the behaviours of gaslighting and emotional blackmail are consistent with NPD, and it is habitually people who are victims of these behaviours who subsequently diagnose abusers in this way. I’d be interested to know if there are other disorders where emotional abuse manifests in this way. To my knowledge, this is why narcissists are most feared.
ReplyGenetically garbage or environmentally garbage?
Or both?
Nature or nurture?
No labels needed, I agree, but do we just ignore the suffering of others and tarnish them with the label ‘garbage’.
The EQ is a brilliant measure, you should give yourself a measure on, go on.
ReplyOk, you’ve piqued my curiosity - I couldn’t find a free EQ that gives specific numbers like an IQ test would, but tried a few (with other people, we answered for each other) and I generally got high empathy results (1 medium, but that was a very short quiz). Still wouldn’t label myself as an Empath lol, I feel like (in my experience at least) there tends to be a specific mentality around people who use that label.
Also an important note is that empathy and compassion are totally different - I feel like making a choice to be compassionate is much, much more important than having empathy. You don’t have to feel someone else’s pain in order to be kind to them.
ReplyAs an empath I can feel anything in room as mine, it’s traumatic. As I read about narcissistic, person whom I loved now left was them. He wanted love, attention when I was drowning in others emotions 😔 hope he is loved, he deserved love and compassion
Reply(Writer of first response) Yes, that is what is commonly meant by empath. Just that you are so highly attuned to others’ emotions that you feel them as if they were your own. So if you meet traumatised people, you WON’T immediately be on your guard to abusive behaviours or to protect yourself- your first response is empathy. That is why the labels exist- because an empath will attach to a narcissist without necessarily seeing red flags. I don’t think empath necessarily think they are better than other people. They just experience a higher level of sensitivity and less rigid personal boundaries.
ReplyEmpathy hhaaahhaa whilst sneering at others who you presume think they are better than others.
Think about what you have written just for a minute.
Cognitive and emotional empathy are two separate components of empathy…empathy is also on a spectrum, like narcissism is…dig a little deeper.
ReplyLol imagine if I’d actually done that, written ‘(Btw I am sneering devilishly as I type this on my evil person computer of superiority)’ 😂 hilarious, thank you
My point was that specific people called themselves Empaths while writing articles that demonise mental illness, and encouraged others to ‘recognise a narcissist’ and be hostile to the, with no real knowledge or reason.
ReplyWe’re not always aware of how we act or what we say, is my point.
That could be projection or a confirmation bias, I’m just saying.
The research will only take you so far…the truth is..unless you have the lived experience of the condition it’s truly impossible to define it, let alone contemplate that experience.
I see how you are trying to understand and contemplate the stigma associated with specific personality disorder.
Try looking in the DSM v and how it is defined and the symptom requirement which they have changed and not for the better.
The truth is science and research can only ever take you so far…how it feels for the individual can be worlds apart from this perspective.
If you have the opportunity to it would be worth your while pursuing an interview with an individual with this condition.
Empathy is also a trait that needs a lot of consideration, most measures of empathy are based in the individuals perception of said trait…and individuals can be biased or under/over estimate their capability in relation to this trait.
Just a couple of thoughts to consider…state/trait..spectrum…
Have a beautiful day :)
ReplyI hope I’ve shed a little light on the subjects at hand and I feel this is a worthwhile piece.
Have a beautiful day :)
ReplyWhilst you’re researching look at trait and state traits.
There’s a lot more NUANCE involved whilst looking at personality traits and there’s also a LOT of overlap in symptoms between said personality disorders/traits bear that in mine whilst you judge others who you presuppose have delusions about their empathy..,try administering the EQ on yourself and then getting other people, who know you, to fill it in too.
ReplyCould you explain your comments a little please? Particularly the ‘delusions about their empathy’ - I’m not sure what point you’re trying to make, and would appreciate a little clarity. Also not certain on the relevance of the school thing, l though I’m sorry your daughter’s been through all that. Teachers can be awful
ReplyYou stated that you have empathy but you don’t consider yourself an empath unlike others.
Until you measure yourself and others how would you know this?
It’s a presupposition that the writer of said articles or journals aren’t empaths.
There’s no such thing as an empath…you’re either high or low in empathy…spectrum…state or trait.
ReplyYou know, I remember being at my daughters parents evening and a vulgar male teacher commented how my daughter should be rewarded with a McDonald’s for her hard work…it was a jibe at our SES and my daughter eating.
I’ll never forget that man…perhaps, teachers should be measured on the EQ too…after all any people role, doctors, nurses, teachers etc., should require this.
In all honesty I find lecturers to be far more empathic than a lot of teachers I’ve encountered, not all some are angels, likewise I’ve found the same in many professions.
They could be burned out, having difficulties at home etc.,
Maybe one day it will become compulsory to measure people on this trait…who knows!!
Not just the individual their family members and friends.
Parents should also be measured…they are the main care givers…and responsibility should ultimately lie with them, not just professionals.
Maybe one day, maybe one day.
ReplyI also distinctly remember my daughter receiving death threats from another student which was kind of played down at said school.
I supposed keeping up the schools image is more important than the child’s trauma too…
I guess we’re all human and when you are tied up in knots atm.
Another professional made callous remarks about her eating..
I know we can’t always get it right and I haven’t pursued any of it.
However, administering the EQ couldn’t hurt.
ReplyI appreciate that narrcacists are suffering from mental illness and need help bit as the victim of a narcissist ex and he was a narcissist, I don't particularly care if it stems from a difficult childhood. There are plenty of people who have had difficult childhoods, abuse, mental, emotional, physical and they don't all turn into narcissists and I am so sick of hearing "well they act like that because of x,y,z"
So presumably I can now go around acting like a horrible person because I have been treated badly? No of course I can't.
ReplyResilience
ReplyAttachment theory
Reply