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Dear You,
When I met you I was the strongest I've ever been in my whole life. I wasn't looking for anyone and I was ready to defeat anything life threw at me.
Then I met you. You came into my life and the love and happiness hit me like a tidal wave...unexpected and unable to prepare, it swallowed me whole. Although I was having my own personal struggles with events that had taken place in my past and trying to understand why my path seemed so dark and dilapidated and at times overgrown I thanked God for putting you there.
We've had our share of ups and downs as everyone does. But once the silence is broken or the awful words expressed finally subside I'm always grateful to wake up next to you on the other side of any of our issues. I need you to know that I know in my heart that you are my person! Here lately it's become a little harder to understand why and in all honesty almost frustrating that you are.
If I could clear the air and be completely exposed and offer every thought and feeling I have within my being to know it would make us stronger and better, I would scream it from the rooftops. But to know I can be losing myself in the same room as you and trying so hard to maintain even a normal daily conversation, only to be unseen and unheard it kinda takes the wind out of my sails...
I don't like the person I am around you at times. I don't like feeling like I have to be in survival mode or quiet as a church mouse. I do take ownership in being confused between you being the man you are, the man you try to appear to be and the person I know you are towards certain people. Maybe I long to be one of those certain people. Maybe I am guilty of wanting you to be a better version of yourself.
I wish my time and effort mattered more, even if it didn't benefit you. I wish I could speak any truth or feeling without being interrupted or having to apologize. I wish I could even play around with you without it being personal or insulting depending on your mood.
I wish you would understand that with all that I've endured, with you, from you and because of you I'm clearly here standing beside you through it all and will continue to do so. I wish you wouldn't think that you are going through everything alone only because you refuse to let anyone in and putting down the people around you only to pass the blame. I wish you knew I'm on your team and I would never seek you out to hurt you. I wish me sticking up for myself and standing on my own two feet wasn't such a threat to you....I'm not your enemy.
Most of all, I just wish you would see me.
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You sound like a sweetheart. I hope the person you wrote this about can look a deeper look into what you guys have. Maybe you should say this to that person instead of on a anonymous website.
ReplyI've tried...several times. I've tried different words, tones and even just bluntly putting it out there. He takes it as an attack, escalates the situation and then he speaks whatever words he needs to, goes to bed and then we wake up the next morning like nothing ever happened.
ReplyI'm sorry to hear that. Ya know a lot of people have mental disorders and a lot of times it ruins a lot of social life. Sometimes some people have drug addictions that do the same thing. I hope things get better for you.
Reply