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Not many people understand it but for as long as I could remember I just didn’t want to exist. I just wanted to disappear and it wasn’t until I was about 9 that I started acting on those thoughts.
My family and friends never could grasp the idea that I just didn’t want to be here. I mean how could they? Most people get their souls broken through experiences, meanwhile I came into this world with a broken soul. I am 20 now and no matter how hard I try, I just can’t shake it.
I take my meds, go to therapy, and talk to people I trust, to no avail. Everybody says they are there for me but they never go out of their way to show it. I ask them to contact me more because the silence is deafening and I get static on the other end.
The one person that understood I pushed away. Lately I’ve been pushing everyone away. I am done hurting people. I don’t want to hurt anybody cause in truth I’d rather hurt myself than someone else. I am done trying to be ok and fighting it. I can’t go on like this much longer. This week I meet with my doctor to get me started on new medication but if it doesn’t work, then they’ll be one less person in the world.
I ruin all my friendships
I get too close and get hurt a lot
And then lash out without meaning to
My mind is always telling me and reminding me of all the times I thought and other people said to “just go kill yourself”
It hurts in excess cause the only joy I get is from helping others. Cause maybe if I can help someone else, that maybe my life was somewhat meaningful. I struggle with all the friends and family members deaths that I’ve endured as well as abusive relationships and domestic violence. I don’t even have it that bad compared to others if I’m being honest, but that’s what arguably kills me the most.
The “what right do I have to feel this way.” My life brings my loved ones pain but my death does that too. I just want to be ok, even for just a brief moment. I just want one single moment where my mind shuts up and my memories fade away. I want peace and to be ok. But maybe I’m not destined for that in this life.
This might be the last time I write and if it is, don’t follow my path. Do not, it does get better, just don’t blow it like I did. If no one else will say it I will. I love you for the person you are and who you can become, keep striving to be better and you will get there. You matter, your life matters, don’t throw it away. I know this is rich coming from me, but that is precisely why I am saying it. Cause it did get better for a brief period, but if you actively work to prolong it then you are golden. I didn’t. I could not come to terms with my guilt and sorrow. I’m not very extraordinary either I just knew how to connect with others. Because with true pain comes the ability of true kindness.
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I would like to suggest you to just follow a
routine that makes you kinda busy because
i used to do it to make my mind busy and
away with shit thoughts
Do
1. Take a good sleep on time
2. Take you medicines on time
3. Go and hit the Gym and spend at least 1-2 hours to make you body and mind sweat
4. Talk to loved ones and if you don't have
no problem just do whatever you like,
writing, watching, roaming. Well I used
to go outside with my bike alone ©
5. Don't take anything too seriously and
don't thing too much either. Try to just go
with the flow.
Try these steps, I bet you something will
definitely change in you life and which is
positive!!
Happy to help strong girl !! Treat me as
you secret admirer.
Be strong, brave and beautiful!! 😇
ReplyThank you so much for your kindness, despite everything i am really happy that someone who doesn't even know me cares. I am very appreciative
ReplyI love you keep going. Theres better people in the world I'm sorry you haven't experienced it but keep going.
ReplyThank you so much for your kindness, despite everything i am really happy that someone who doesn't even know me cares. I am very appreciative
Replyim trying to do that everyday now
Reply