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Not a great day
4 months ago · · Relationships, · Explicit
I lost my virginity today (well technically yesterday because of the time) and it was probably the most nerve racking experience of my life, which is saying a whole lot. It's 5:40 am right now and I'm so tired but I can NOT sleep. I've tried. This sucks. I know I'm going to be exhausted in the morning. I keep thinking about what happened so I thought maybe if I write about it then I'll be able to let it all go and fall asleep after.
I was at my boyfriend's house and we were just talking and watching Netflix, etc. in his room. His parents were gone and they weren't going to be home untill pretty late but they knew I was there and were fine with it (they like me 😌). He doesn't like being alone so that's why I went over. Plus I was bored and so was he soooo... why not?
Eventually we started making out and being super touchy. We've never done that before and I've never really had the desire to until then. I didn't think I'd ever want to for multiple reasons but I do really like him so that's probably why it felt okay. I was mentally preparing myself for sex to happen once I realized that neither of us were stopping. To be completely honest I was very scared but I still didn't want to stop.
I know he was trying not to hurt me but omg IT F-ING HURT. I cried. Alot. Like alot alot. I know why though.
Reason #1: The pain. I knew it was likely going to hurt but I wasn't prepared for how much it would hurt. Maybe I have one of those vag conditions?? Idk..... when he noticed my tears he stopped and checked on me which I appreciate, but it's still embarrassing 🙃.
Reason #2: I was raped at 14 (Im 17 now, bf is 18) so it brought back memories and feelings that I haven't dealt with yet. I don't want to deal with them. I've been detached from my feelings since it happened and I don't think about it at all. I'd like to say it doesn't affect me but obviously it does. I know I'm just pretending that it doesn't. All I wanted was a normal highschool experience with my bf so I ignored the fact that this isn't a normal scenario. We had to stop because I started really freaking out to the point where I couldn't breathe or talk or even look at him (which is strange because he's a hottie and usually I'd never pass up an opportunity to stare at him (sorry I should be serious now...)). Fml <3
I was crying for a good hour and a half and shaking for about 3. I probably burned calories from crying so hard. He had absolutely no idea why I was basically having a panic attack and I didn't want him to think it was his fault so I had to tell him about the rape. I guess it was stupid to not have told him earlier but I really didn't want to. I thought he would think less of me or not understand. I was scared of the reaction I'd get and I didn't want to talk about it. I ofc ended up having to talk about it anyway. I feel bad for dropping something so heavy on him out of nowhere but he needs to know at this point. He was shocked and I was attempting to apologize through incoherent sobs. I felt like my breakdown was an inconvenience. I hate being vulnerable and I didn't want to annoy or burden him with all my shit.
Being the angel he is, he told me not to apologize and that he was sorry he didn't get to ask about my feelings before we rushed into things. Him saying that made me cry more because it was so nice lol. He made me feel a lot better and calmed me down. We had a deep asf conversation too. It felt so good to talk about everything without any limitations. I feel closer to him now so maybe it wasn't such a bad day after all. I adore him...
P.S. what can I do so this doesn't happen again? I want to get over my fear or whatever.